Remember Me

I remember when he called me to tell me he loved me

not imagining a ring on my finger type love…more like

if there was a bullet cutting through wind and time he’d let it pierce him like an earring. only diamond though, no zirconia.

an I love you like, he wants to be by my side

near my heart

touching my hand

but never inside me, within my heart, or holding my hand

He called to tell me he loved me half drunk and fully aware that life was far more fragile than the glass bottle in his hand 

and more perplexing than inebriated black hole heartbeats can fathom

He called because death kissed his brother that day some years ago, and life left him like man afraid of commitment the morning after a one night stand. stole what it wanted, and jet.

 and so he wanted me to know, I mattered. slurred words, good intentions and midnight. shaken, not stirred.

and I wanted to love him right back, Lord. I did love him right back. I loved him like a tsunami crashing the sahara…nonsensical, non-sensible, ironic, overwhelming and out of place… but so refreshing.

and he pretty much loved me like chemo to cancer…kinda making me well but had me vomiting my soul up, stench of a sick girl rose up, trading death for poison. but he loved me the best he could, God. He did. and I thought I needed Him to get better.

and I wanted to love him like forever was a millisecond and by the time he said my name he had already been washed with eternities of unconditional

but why did I still see a film of depression lacquered pride like dust still dirtying dry bones?

I guess, Lord…forever with humans

is short. Like an unfinished text message and awkward silences that stretch miles over a passionate man trapped in a scarred scared boy’s fences. My love just couldn’t quite leap that high. His walls reached heaven but couldn’t touch You. I think I spent too much time in your presence to linger in His anymore. so I left our dysfunction like a cloud of sour smelling stench that just sits somewhere between letting go and letting God.

but for some reason, over a year later,

I remember that day. I remember him calling me to tell me he loved me. and how much I loved him. and how I would melt into the ocean just to move along this earth for him. and how I left all that love in the seas to swim deeper in your Living waters. I just held my breath and breathed you in and floated away from the one thing tied so deeply into my heart that he was sewn into my skin (I wonder if the world still sees the stitches?). I left him to Love you better.

and yet in this moment, I’ve abandoned you. We still talk everyday, but not like we should. Not like you are the essence of all good things and I am impetuously passionate enough to divulge every moment in surrendering to your flood.
 I spend time with you, but how dense is a pebble when You are the oceans floor and the salty solution that fills it? The matter filling the galaxy and the Creator of it? 
How did you let me leave you when I never deserved your presence in the first place? I’m in your bosom but I can’t even look in your eyes….I know you’re staring at me. When did distraction deteriorate the position of disciple? when did sacrifice seem so far and settling settle at home in my heart? I’m loving you deeply God. But not desperately enough. 

I’m consuming food instead of more of you. I’m inhaling air as if it necessitates my life more than You. How can I drown in your depths when my flesh is content with floating? How did I ever get to the place where my actions said that you were not worth it? Lord, your blood has never dried. I bathe in it every morning. Lord, your love has no expiration date. There is no mold encrusting on the edges of your grace. It is I who decays. 

Even now these words feel like a mite in the hands of Heaven. I’m exhausted at the thought of how much words would weigh if they properly fit You. certainly not enough for my mouth to carry. certainly not enough for these fragile fingers, for these mortal hands.

unworthy is written in ashes on this body, and my skin has become sackloth. I mourn the time spent away from your heart. I mourn the minutes spent drawn from your glory. Yeshua, I am pitiful. Abba, pour out on me, even a little oil, even a drop, that I might adorn in your grace. Do you still accept the prayers of a peasant’s praise?

So at the foot of the Cross, Daddy, remember me. Rewind my desires to the beginning of time, where the Word was. Let me dwell there. Every day you call me. you tell me you love me. Your heart rings for me to answer. but somehow somedays the computer picks up before I do. “She’s busy, leave a message” it says. not today, God.

be the mist in the air, the morning dew on my chest, the electricity in skin, the bite of my mouth, the honey off my tongue, the heat in my spirit, the spark in my blood, the purpose of purpose and the presence of my hunger.

keep my face in your book

and my head to the floor

and my passion on it’s knees

nothing compares to You. Not full days or silent nights, not words about You that hollow at the center, or songs that sing your name in vain, not a few moments a day nor just enough to get by.

inundate me, Lord.

fill me up, God. fill me up.