PART 2: Response to "Singleness and Handling A Trivial Pursuit"

Greetings lovelies!

In case you missed it, this is the 2nd half of a two-part post responding to THIS ARTICLE.

 Take a moment to read the article and the first half of the post PART 1...

All caught up? Okay, great!

This article and the last post are basically about responding to trivial romantic pursuits as Christian women...and how to identify the Godly ones.

Coming Correct

As evident in the last post, clearly, I've experienced involvements that lacked genuine pursuit, intention, or integrity. One of the ways this article blessed me was helping me to realize what the presence of pursuit, intention, and integrity looks like once some one gets to likin' lil ol' me.

The gentleman pursuing me meets most...okay, probably all of the criteria highlighted in the article (at this point):

• HE LOVES JESUS, is full of the Holy Spirit, and honoring God is his focus
• He prays consistently
• He serves God; in everyday life and in his church, faithfully
• He's accountable to his leadership
• "Did he declare his intent decisively, treating you in a way that values your time and attention above his?" YES
• "Is he leading in the relationship? Is he checking on you, checking in with you? Is he setting goals, setting boundaries, and continuing to express that intent?" YES
• Is he a man who "wants to gain your trust through appropriate, Godward affirmation and honesty, not empty romantic blather."? Is he a man who "wants to be accountable to his circle and to yours, and one who puts your well-being and comfort above his own."? YES & YES
• Is he a man who "in its place, knows how to show a sweet emotional attachment? It’s a risk for him to put himself out there, but one he should be willing to take." YES

Yes, thus far he has been consistent. Yet I have come to realize my walls are much higher than I knew, and it took someone genuinely trying to scale them for me to realize it. I realize the damage from trivial pursuits, selfish manipulation, abuse, and emotional mishandling in the past is deeper than I knew. I am used to flowery words enthusiastically declared with no follow through. I'm used to being told what I wanted to hear so men could get what they wanted. Now, the delicate balance between shielding my heart in wisdom and functioning in fear is a hard thing to manage. I think I clumsily walk the line.

I seek God's direction and approval with earnest, and I think reading this article, along with being prayerful, helped me to realize that maybe I can loosen the clamp on my heart a tad. Safety is in Christ, not an overly calloused heart. Vulnerability cannot be avoided if authenticity is the goal, and something substantial is the desired outcome. I must trust that it isn't all about me having control, but learning to submit to the Holy One who does. And trusting that if I ensure that my heart is truly hidden in Christ, he will go through Him to get it. After all, it's not only my heart on the line, but his heart, too...every time he extends himself to protect mine. I have to respect that he's putting himself out there.

Ideally, the next person I'm with will be the last. However, if by some chance that happens to not be the case, I can trust that this will be a purposeful and edifying exchange because we're both sincerely submitted to the same God, and have identical intentions. And we are committed to cultivating a friendship, not rushing to an altar. So, while I am still going to exercise patience, maturity, and wisdom...accepting the peace of Christ in the midst of this means being anxious for nothing. 

"Perfection is not an option, and men are infamous for their lack of communication. However, is he trying? Because a man who will try is a man I can marry. A man who is paralyzed by the fear of failure or throws up his hands at the first sign of difficulty? He should probably keep it moving. "

I pray you are blessed and learn to guard your heart from foolishness, while keeping it open enough for God's blessing to find you.

Love, Compassion, Royalty

Queen G

What are your thoughts? Respond in the comments below!

PART 1: Response to "Singleness and Handling A Trivial Pursuit"

Greetings lovelies! 

This post is PART 1 of a two part post responding to an article called 

"Singleness and Handling a Trivial Pursuit"

A very good friend and sister of mine, Brittany, sent me this article:

http://www.raanetwork.org/trivial-pursuit/

And BOY did it bless me. Take a moment to read it (it's worth your time) and then come back and read this post...

LOVED.

THIS.

ARTICLE.

This article is basically about responding to trivial romantic pursuits as Christian women...and how to identify the Godly ones.

It's relevant whether you are a young woman or a young man, whether you are single like a dollar bill, or dating, or "friend-zoned", or not so sure what you are. I found myself wishing I read this article months, even years ago. It reiterated things I learned through the teaching of the Holy Ghost, through wise mentors, and not surprisingly, things I learned the hard way. It also gave me a new perspective on other things. Most importantly, it was the type of confirmation that God knew I needed for the my current season.

Do you even like me?: 
Futile Attraction Vs. Intentional Pursuit

Many times I have found myself haphazardly pursued (if we can even call it that) and I became pendulum-like in the process; constantly swinging on the hinges of uncertainty in the grey area of the unknown. Sometimes I didn't know if the young man liked me. Sometimes, his actions implied he did, but his words did not explicitly say so. In other cases, his words stated he did...but his actions did not. I was left without boundaries and with my emotions uncovered by the lad I was involved with. I was tired of guessing. I was tired of the anxiety doubt brought.  I didn't realize how much these interactions fed my phobia of vulnerability, and added to my growing list of men who did not protect me. Not to mention, being that unsure can lure distraction into your thoughts by pushing you to focus more on a guessing game than seeking God's face.

I realized that true pursuit is never half-done. And that the first act a man does to cover you is to trump his own fear of rejection by placing your emotional well being above his...and providing a safe space for your heart by giving you absolutely no room for doubt about his intentions. Just as Christ purposefully pursued us. We can confidently proclaim His love for us because His actions towards us boldly expressed it and He constantly affirms it.

"Christ didn’t pursue his Bride detachedly, opting for non-committal ease. He gave all to ransom her, humbling himself in boundless devotion. And as young (but getting older) women who are the recipients of this kind of love from the Son of God, we should be looking for men who, having received that same kind of love, are ready to give it. Anything less is futile. "

Naively, I thought knowing whether or not he was attracted to me made the difference.

 NOPE!

See, people can be attracted to you or to things about you AND NOT WANT TO PURSUE YOU (or be mature enough to do so). Thus, it didn't really matter if he thought he kinda liked me. If he wasn't going to pursue me for real, I could not hold my breath. Period. Our generation gets too comfortable in the ambiguous and in-between.

The commitment to un-commitment is too high an emotional investment and far too commonplace. 

Also, I learned that it's okay to ask (again, if I don't know the parameter of our involvement, how can I feel safe emotionally?). It is also okay (in fact, in your best interest) to pull away if he is not clear about what he wants. 

"...This is counterintuitive for a lot of us. I hate to think of asking a guy a question that’s going to fluster him. That doesn’t mean I won’t do it, though. Our time as women should be spent investing full-heartedly in every relationship in our lives; this becomes a lot easier when relationships are clearly defined. There is no gray haze of potential necessary: all of your single male friends have the potential to become something more, but until that potential is expressed, give them all equal dosages of your time."

I was guilty of giving out my time to men who asked for it, but didn't honor it. I never wanted to put more energy into our interactions than he did because I didn't know if the nature of his motives were platonic or romantic. I was incarcerated by the vagueness of it all, trapped by confusion. I would spend agonizing hours wondering and analyzing...all energy that could have been preserved by asking a simple question.

 To be clear, a man saying a friendly "hello" doesn't incite this type of conversation. But  if he is asking for a certain amount of my time, through conversation or other wise, it is my right to know whether or not my time should be invested. No matter how intimidating the process of finding that out is. My time, attention, and especially heart, are of high value.  They should be of high value to him because they are of High value to God. We have to make decisions based on that fact.

Most importantly, make sure you are committed and submitted to Christ. Be led by the spirit and not by your emotions...feelings are fickle.  I'm not imploring you to become hard-hearted, but I am encouraging us young women to seek Godly character in suitors and cultivate biblical standards for any one interested in taking up space in our lives and in our hearts. If he is serious about you...you wouldn't have to wonder. So please don't lower your expectations; respect mature men enough to allow them to rise to the occasion. The immature may walk away, but the real men will thank you for it. Invite them to appreciate you, not take advantage of your availability.  I'm also encouraging young men to become like our Savior and take the lead, to walk in integrity, and fulfill their God-given position. Your worth is priceless. And the right person will cherish that. 

At my church, New Life COOLJC, this is the "Year of Pleasing the Lord". And I'm pretty sure these unhealthy patterns are not pleasing or edifying. So, let's leave that in 2013. The best way to gain an understanding of pursuit, is to pursue the heart of God.

I pray you are blessed and learn to guard your heart from foolishness, while keeping it open enough for God's blessing to find you.

Love, Compassion, Royalty

Queen G

What are your thoughts? Respond in the comments below! and click the link for PART 2!

CHECKLIST: A Girl Named Penny (Freewrite)

I wrote this last year

A freewrite which was a response to an exchange I had with God.

Clothes, check

face, check

full stove, baked goods

shoe game, hair tamed

prays like Hannah and

submits like Ruth and 

honors like Esther and

serves like Dorcas and

available like Mary, 

yes marry...who me?

but

what’s your name? you forget you say?

back to the list

Degree? yes, check

knows how to budget and balance a check

book, reads books

wait, heart check?

skip

I said heart check?

skip

sounds like an out of sync palpitation but

if your talent is loud enough, most won’t hear it

Pretty face on a good day

does it make up for her weight,

wait

pretty words can cover that up

cover girl, smile big

not big on make up 

but made up of 90%

mascara

she says masks scare her

scarred, is she

Is she beautiful? 

What’s her name? you forgot you say?

A Penny for your thoughts, honey

just enough to compensate

So God says to her

Aren’t you tired of trying to defend your definition of value to those clearly illiterate in beauty

I can’t leave you where you are

Aren’t you tired of trying to fit a triangle into a square?

putting boys on thrones when some are spiritual babes still needing their high chairs

You haven’t had a child yet so why are you so content wiping milk off lips?

Potential alone aint never turned a crush into a covenant

hand on the bible, but eyes still seeking coke bottles 

a brother don’t mean to hurt or bother nobody but while his body is in church he still notices the bodies, 

but doesn’t everybody, I mean who doesn’t want a bride with a body

anybody, but not just anybody

more stuck on the shape than her submission to the Head of the body

If you don’t have no body

you are nobody

basic temple geometry

but please, sister anointed lips, could you pray for me?

God spoke to her today and said

I see your knuckles grasped around what you think is your self worth, girl

looks gold on the outside but beneath your grip I see the brass

So let’s trade

Can I have it?

All is not almost 

All is not most

Will you trust me?

you always say that I make beautiful things out of the dust

your heart is tear soaked mud

may I have it, please?

Clay

You fear not the fire

only that once the flames finish, you still won’t be polished

You keep pieces of it because you wonder who would want the Penny

in a world where even dimes are not enough

so when you’ve presented what you think is your best self

good things gift wrapped, you discard the rest

because who would want a Penny when you handed them a hundred dollar bill

do you realize the grevity of telling me “keep the change”?

I am the change, I can’t withhold myself

I can’t let you stay the same

I am not a cashier

you are not a cash exchange

not a grocery list where your best attributes are divided up next to check boxes

this is not a barter for your best parts

I am not looking to buy you on sale

This blood was full price

even one single cent isn’t useless to me

one, single

sent

you are to be used just for me

I 

am not the Adam who left you uncovered

nor his sons who emotionally do the same

I am the Christ whose crimson covered you 

You ask to touch the hem of my garment

But let me sew the hem of your heart

I 

am tailor, and artist, and

I can mold masterpieces out of a mite, too

Might you

Give me all of you?

I can’t leave you

where you

are, you 

tired, yet

of trying to fit a triangle into a square?

I am maker of shapes, and I know where you fit

Not based on how your clothes fit

but custom made for a robe of righteousness

you are not a “she has everything, but”

you will not be worthy, when

you, you are everything I want

Now,

discard your checklist

Penny isn’t your name, Queen

~love, compassion, royalty~