Quarter Century Chronicles I: Ain't No[BODY] Shame!

Baby Gabbie. I think this was my first birthday.

I am not skinny.

I am not thin. 

I am not "a little bit plump"

I am plus-size. Not "politically-correct-she-can-still-pass" plus-size. Like, legitimately plus-size.

My dress size has been a "teen" since I was a teen.

Some would say curvy, and I'd agree with them (thanks mom!). Others would say fat. And that's okay, too. It's not a swear word, people (but you can feel free to insert size-related euphemism here).

Because of this, the assumption most of my life has been:

1. I am overweight because 75% of my check goes to McDonald's and BK, and I am lazy and unhealthy

2. Because my body does not match the narrow definition of beauty, I must have a deep desire to be thinner and therefor have a dissatisfaction with my body as it is now

3. I can have success in other areas of my life, but as long as I am this size I am failing somehow. I must be unhappy deep down inside.

4.  I must lose weight in order to be attractive enough to find love

These narratives are *so* far from the truth and it is exhausting to feel like I have to wake up every day and justify my existence in this body. I am tired of feeling like I have to apologize for how much space I take up. I am tired of people being offended by my audacity to be and feel beauty despite my body, or even more, because of my body.

I mean at this rate, if superwoman was thickums even she'd be undesirable and un-marryable!

So NO...I don't work out every day. YES cookies are my Achilles Heel.  YES, I am so much of a foodie that I start thanking God for taste-buds when the flavor is just that good (hallelujah). YES I love cooking, and (gasp) I like eating!

HOWEVER.

NO, I don't eat whenever I'm feeling emotional. NO, I don't drink soda...I don't even drink juice that has not been diluted. NO, I don't eat fast food. Why YES,  I have impeccable blood pressure and cholesterol (I mean really, it's quite amazing). INDEED, I detox my body with super clean eating every few months just to stay on track. YES,  I love to dance and play tennis even though my tri-sport varsity days are over. And I have PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) and the hormonal imbalance has a direct impact on my weight, as it does for a majority of women with the condition.

If I was a size 6 and said all these things, no one would care. But because I'm plus-size, people feel the need to assume that I hate my body, that I have no understanding or desire to make healthy choices, and that there is no way I could be happy with the way that I look. 

But here is the thing: I have realized that I am perfectly fine with my body AS IT IS, and that is okay!  It is okay to not feel like the need to drastically modify my body. I spent most of my life grappling with this overwhelming pressure that told me I had to want to change the way that I looked. By default, being fat meant being unworthy (unworthy of happiness, unworthy of affection, unworthy of unconditional love and acceptance, unworthy of success, unworthy of self-appreciation, ETC). The only way to be worthy was to be thinner and as flawlessly packaged as possible.  As much as I love to have that "nails/hair/clothes errthang did" feeling, I started to feel like I was a slave to it; as if I HAD to be on to compensate for my size. Because I began to internalize people's projections,  I started to picture a photoshopped version of myself as the only version that would be deserving of the kinds of things I had dreamed of. I can't tell you how many times I heard "you would be so pretty if..." or "you'd have such a nice shape is you lost some weight". I am so tired of unsolicited diet advice, backwards compliments, and sideways comments (Note: Anytime you start a statement with "you're pretty for a _________", YOU ARE DOING IT WRONG!).

Finally, I realize at 25 that I was trying to subscribe to OTHER PEOPLE'S STANDARDS OF BEAUTY AND OTHER PEOPLE'S DISCOMFORT WITH MY BODY. I tried to take on that burden for myself. I felt I had to. But you know what? I don't have to, and I won't. That's not really my truth. 

Stop mixing up health with the incarcerating confines of media-perpetrated beauty standards. Don't police my body under the guise of you "just want me to be healthy" when in reality, my physician isn't complaining and I'm not that unhealthy. I'm just not skinny and that makes so many people uncomfortable. The fact that I am okay with that makes them even more uncomfortable.

Welp. I'm not here to make people comfortable! I'm busy trying to love myself.

Let's be honest here. Are there days where all my flaws mock me in the mirror? Are there moments where I wish some areas were smaller and other areas bigger? If I said no, I'd be lying. Of course there are those days, because I am human! I'm allowed to have those feelings every so often without defining my existence by them.

And are there healthier choices I could make? ABSOLUTELY! And I am working on that. I want to be the BEST version of myself so that I can give God my best. I want to be my best for my future children.  I could totally work out more, drink more water, eat more clean. BUT my motivation is not so that I can have the type of physical attributes that society deems acceptable. It is not to get thinner. It is not so that my future husband can find me attractive. My motivation is me! I cannot tell you how liberating that is.

I have done away with the notion that everything I do has to be in terms of meeting people's ideals. 

"Hit the gym ladies! No man wants a butterball"

"Take care of that hair, fix those nails, clear up that skin...no man wants to marry a mess!"

"Are you sure you want to eat that? You should be your prettiest on  your wedding day, not your heaviest"

"You should learn to take care of the home and finances. That'll make a good wife."

I am all about presenting yourself in excellence, especially if you want excellence from a mate! There is nothing wrong with that and any body who knows me well knows this is true. I am also all for constant growth. However, I have developed this crazy notion of pursuing greatness because I deserve to be great and God called me to be great...not solely because greatness is what a good man wants. We tell women to be well rounded because It benefits a man as opposed to encouraging it because a well rounded woman is an awesome thing to be! I don't think we can ever reach our full potential while our self-perception is so greatly dependent upon the acceptance of males. Male-approval can not be the hinge on which our lives swing. That significance belongs to Jesus alone. The only validation worth having is the one from God. And He ALREADY declared that you are magnificently made, you are all-together lovely, you are miraculously forgiven, and you are worth dying for.

Feeling summertime fine back when I was 21

So yes, I can be great at a size 16. I don't have to wait until I change _______ to be deserving of love.

How about instead of trying to conform, we focus on transforming? And what if we bettered ourselves for ourselves instead of appeasing others? What if we loved ourselves as we are and didn't apologize for our imperfections?

No more hoping my personality, clothing, or pretty face will compensate for my waistline. No more weight-loss resolutions founded in superficiality. No more giving people power they have no right to have. This is MY body. It's the only one I've got. Jesus lives here.  It shouldn't be so revolutionary for me to love myself as I am. It shouldn't be a radical idea for me to think that the person God plans for me to spend forever with will find me stunning, even without losing 60 lbs. Even with stretchmarks. Even with flaws.

Hey, I already do. I will not be apologizing for acknowledging my wonder any time soon.

From my 25th Birthday Party on 7.18.15

Love, Compassion, Royalty

Queen

P.S. Check out This Previous Post which was a response God gave me after a prayer a couple years ago.

HOME IMPROVEMENTS: Working on the inside, Working on the outside

Everybody's got a body. This is a call to action.

Be a CASTLE for CHRIST

Let's say my church building had a beautiful interior and a glorious sanctuary...but externally, it was falling apart, the paint on the walls was chipping and the outside of the building was unappealing. Would I say, "well the inside looks beautiful, so who really cares if there's rust on the doors?"

You better believe I would never rest with it staying in that condition! This is the house of God! I have reverence for it! Every part of His house should reflect that honor and reverence. The first thing people see is the outside. They should know from jump that someone cares deeply about the purpose of this building.

[insert LIGHTBULB moment here]

Jesus reminds me daily that I am a temple. Not made of bricks, but flesh and blood. Jesus lives here! This is the house of God! I have to have reverence for it! 

"Know ye not that ye are the temple of God, and that the Spirit of God dwelleth in you?"

1 Corinthians 3:16

So, I have resolved to make some home improvements. As I'm allowing God to work on my heart and spiritual health, I want Him to work on the WHOLE HOUSE as well.

"For ye are bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body, and in your spirit, which are God's"

1 Corinthians 6:20 KJV

A spiritual foundation is THE MOST IMPORTANT THING (and I cannot stress that enough). However, every part of my body and my life should be evidence of striving for excellence because as a child of God, I REFLECT HIM! Only presenting some areas beautifully is like saying that the beat up building with the beautiful sanctuary is okay. 

What is the way you present yourself and care for yourself saying about who you serve?

As marvelous and adorned as the temple Solomon built was, God yet chose His children to be His temples. Walking epistles, in fact! We are to be living, breathing proof of the Word (2 Corinthians 3:2-3). Yes, that means US, flawed and imperfect as we are. He could have chosen absolutely anywhere to dwell...and He has sanctified us that He might dwell right in our hearts. The GOD of the universe CHOSE to live here! Let that sink in.

If God is living here, it should be the best possible residence for Him. Physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. I don't want to limit the way God wants to be glorified, the way God wants to move, or the way God wants to use me by lack of health in any of those areas.

So many of us live in extremes. We are so obsessed with the superficial that we spiritually starve to death, or we are so uber holy that we neglect our bodies, our appearance, and a host of other things.

Is it crazy to think that we should consider God in everything we do...even something as simple as what we wear or what we eat? I don't think it is! If we're in Christ, our bodies, souls, and spirits belong to Him.

"What? know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost which is in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own?"

1 Corinthians 6:19 KJV

EVERYTHING is His. And we do everything as unto the Lord! So, how you talk to people, how you dress, how you take care of yourself, how you think...that's all a form of worship!  It doesn't begin and end during church service.

I firmly believe that God wants holistic health and holistic prosperity for us! He is concerned about every single part of you, your WHOLE being. We put God in a box if we believe otherwise. Our mind, body, soul, and spirit are all connected. I believe everything in the natural is tied to the spiritual, and we can't reach our full potential trying to compartmentalize and separate the spiritual from everything else. He wants our faith to abound as well as our fitness, family, and finances. No, I'm not saying everyone will be rich, but we are all called to live richly through Christ. Rich relationships, rich revelation, rich experiences in Him and through Him.

"Beloved, I wish above all things that thou mayest prosper and be in health, even as thy soul prospereth"

3 John 1:2

There is NOTHING mediocre about a child of God. 

He wants the best for us. He has literally given the greatest thing He could for our very sake...HIMSELF.

So, will dressing raggedy send you to hell? Will being physically unhealthy pull you out of heaven? No, probably not. BUT why wouldn't we seek to exemplify abundant life? Why wouldn't we want every area of our lives to be a perfect atmosphere for God's name to be glorified?

This isn't about having loads of money, or looking like a supermodel. This is about being your best self.

It's time for a life check. Are you the building with the jacked up exterior and gorgeous interior? Or are you the beautiful building with a run down interior (1 Samuel 16:7, 1 Peter 3:3-4)? Are you somewhere in the middle?

I'm on a mission to make some life changes. I want to live in the more of God, and the best of my purpose. Who is with me?

Take honor for this temple. Do the very best with what you have, as unto the Lord, and God will do the rest. I promise...actually, He promised.

love, compassion, royalty

Queen

P.S. What are some HOME IMPROVEMENTS you are making? What's your take on this? Let me know in the comments below!