PART 2: Response to "Singleness and Handling A Trivial Pursuit"

Greetings lovelies!

In case you missed it, this is the 2nd half of a two-part post responding to THIS ARTICLE.

 Take a moment to read the article and the first half of the post PART 1...

All caught up? Okay, great!

This article and the last post are basically about responding to trivial romantic pursuits as Christian women...and how to identify the Godly ones.

Coming Correct

As evident in the last post, clearly, I've experienced involvements that lacked genuine pursuit, intention, or integrity. One of the ways this article blessed me was helping me to realize what the presence of pursuit, intention, and integrity looks like once some one gets to likin' lil ol' me.

The gentleman pursuing me meets most...okay, probably all of the criteria highlighted in the article (at this point):

• HE LOVES JESUS, is full of the Holy Spirit, and honoring God is his focus
• He prays consistently
• He serves God; in everyday life and in his church, faithfully
• He's accountable to his leadership
• "Did he declare his intent decisively, treating you in a way that values your time and attention above his?" YES
• "Is he leading in the relationship? Is he checking on you, checking in with you? Is he setting goals, setting boundaries, and continuing to express that intent?" YES
• Is he a man who "wants to gain your trust through appropriate, Godward affirmation and honesty, not empty romantic blather."? Is he a man who "wants to be accountable to his circle and to yours, and one who puts your well-being and comfort above his own."? YES & YES
• Is he a man who "in its place, knows how to show a sweet emotional attachment? It’s a risk for him to put himself out there, but one he should be willing to take." YES

Yes, thus far he has been consistent. Yet I have come to realize my walls are much higher than I knew, and it took someone genuinely trying to scale them for me to realize it. I realize the damage from trivial pursuits, selfish manipulation, abuse, and emotional mishandling in the past is deeper than I knew. I am used to flowery words enthusiastically declared with no follow through. I'm used to being told what I wanted to hear so men could get what they wanted. Now, the delicate balance between shielding my heart in wisdom and functioning in fear is a hard thing to manage. I think I clumsily walk the line.

I seek God's direction and approval with earnest, and I think reading this article, along with being prayerful, helped me to realize that maybe I can loosen the clamp on my heart a tad. Safety is in Christ, not an overly calloused heart. Vulnerability cannot be avoided if authenticity is the goal, and something substantial is the desired outcome. I must trust that it isn't all about me having control, but learning to submit to the Holy One who does. And trusting that if I ensure that my heart is truly hidden in Christ, he will go through Him to get it. After all, it's not only my heart on the line, but his heart, too...every time he extends himself to protect mine. I have to respect that he's putting himself out there.

Ideally, the next person I'm with will be the last. However, if by some chance that happens to not be the case, I can trust that this will be a purposeful and edifying exchange because we're both sincerely submitted to the same God, and have identical intentions. And we are committed to cultivating a friendship, not rushing to an altar. So, while I am still going to exercise patience, maturity, and wisdom...accepting the peace of Christ in the midst of this means being anxious for nothing. 

"Perfection is not an option, and men are infamous for their lack of communication. However, is he trying? Because a man who will try is a man I can marry. A man who is paralyzed by the fear of failure or throws up his hands at the first sign of difficulty? He should probably keep it moving. "

I pray you are blessed and learn to guard your heart from foolishness, while keeping it open enough for God's blessing to find you.

Love, Compassion, Royalty

Queen G

What are your thoughts? Respond in the comments below!

PART 1: Response to "Singleness and Handling A Trivial Pursuit"

Greetings lovelies! 

This post is PART 1 of a two part post responding to an article called 

"Singleness and Handling a Trivial Pursuit"

A very good friend and sister of mine, Brittany, sent me this article:

http://www.raanetwork.org/trivial-pursuit/

And BOY did it bless me. Take a moment to read it (it's worth your time) and then come back and read this post...

LOVED.

THIS.

ARTICLE.

This article is basically about responding to trivial romantic pursuits as Christian women...and how to identify the Godly ones.

It's relevant whether you are a young woman or a young man, whether you are single like a dollar bill, or dating, or "friend-zoned", or not so sure what you are. I found myself wishing I read this article months, even years ago. It reiterated things I learned through the teaching of the Holy Ghost, through wise mentors, and not surprisingly, things I learned the hard way. It also gave me a new perspective on other things. Most importantly, it was the type of confirmation that God knew I needed for the my current season.

Do you even like me?: 
Futile Attraction Vs. Intentional Pursuit

Many times I have found myself haphazardly pursued (if we can even call it that) and I became pendulum-like in the process; constantly swinging on the hinges of uncertainty in the grey area of the unknown. Sometimes I didn't know if the young man liked me. Sometimes, his actions implied he did, but his words did not explicitly say so. In other cases, his words stated he did...but his actions did not. I was left without boundaries and with my emotions uncovered by the lad I was involved with. I was tired of guessing. I was tired of the anxiety doubt brought.  I didn't realize how much these interactions fed my phobia of vulnerability, and added to my growing list of men who did not protect me. Not to mention, being that unsure can lure distraction into your thoughts by pushing you to focus more on a guessing game than seeking God's face.

I realized that true pursuit is never half-done. And that the first act a man does to cover you is to trump his own fear of rejection by placing your emotional well being above his...and providing a safe space for your heart by giving you absolutely no room for doubt about his intentions. Just as Christ purposefully pursued us. We can confidently proclaim His love for us because His actions towards us boldly expressed it and He constantly affirms it.

"Christ didn’t pursue his Bride detachedly, opting for non-committal ease. He gave all to ransom her, humbling himself in boundless devotion. And as young (but getting older) women who are the recipients of this kind of love from the Son of God, we should be looking for men who, having received that same kind of love, are ready to give it. Anything less is futile. "

Naively, I thought knowing whether or not he was attracted to me made the difference.

 NOPE!

See, people can be attracted to you or to things about you AND NOT WANT TO PURSUE YOU (or be mature enough to do so). Thus, it didn't really matter if he thought he kinda liked me. If he wasn't going to pursue me for real, I could not hold my breath. Period. Our generation gets too comfortable in the ambiguous and in-between.

The commitment to un-commitment is too high an emotional investment and far too commonplace. 

Also, I learned that it's okay to ask (again, if I don't know the parameter of our involvement, how can I feel safe emotionally?). It is also okay (in fact, in your best interest) to pull away if he is not clear about what he wants. 

"...This is counterintuitive for a lot of us. I hate to think of asking a guy a question that’s going to fluster him. That doesn’t mean I won’t do it, though. Our time as women should be spent investing full-heartedly in every relationship in our lives; this becomes a lot easier when relationships are clearly defined. There is no gray haze of potential necessary: all of your single male friends have the potential to become something more, but until that potential is expressed, give them all equal dosages of your time."

I was guilty of giving out my time to men who asked for it, but didn't honor it. I never wanted to put more energy into our interactions than he did because I didn't know if the nature of his motives were platonic or romantic. I was incarcerated by the vagueness of it all, trapped by confusion. I would spend agonizing hours wondering and analyzing...all energy that could have been preserved by asking a simple question.

 To be clear, a man saying a friendly "hello" doesn't incite this type of conversation. But  if he is asking for a certain amount of my time, through conversation or other wise, it is my right to know whether or not my time should be invested. No matter how intimidating the process of finding that out is. My time, attention, and especially heart, are of high value.  They should be of high value to him because they are of High value to God. We have to make decisions based on that fact.

Most importantly, make sure you are committed and submitted to Christ. Be led by the spirit and not by your emotions...feelings are fickle.  I'm not imploring you to become hard-hearted, but I am encouraging us young women to seek Godly character in suitors and cultivate biblical standards for any one interested in taking up space in our lives and in our hearts. If he is serious about you...you wouldn't have to wonder. So please don't lower your expectations; respect mature men enough to allow them to rise to the occasion. The immature may walk away, but the real men will thank you for it. Invite them to appreciate you, not take advantage of your availability.  I'm also encouraging young men to become like our Savior and take the lead, to walk in integrity, and fulfill their God-given position. Your worth is priceless. And the right person will cherish that. 

At my church, New Life COOLJC, this is the "Year of Pleasing the Lord". And I'm pretty sure these unhealthy patterns are not pleasing or edifying. So, let's leave that in 2013. The best way to gain an understanding of pursuit, is to pursue the heart of God.

I pray you are blessed and learn to guard your heart from foolishness, while keeping it open enough for God's blessing to find you.

Love, Compassion, Royalty

Queen G

What are your thoughts? Respond in the comments below! and click the link for PART 2!

HOME IMPROVEMENTS: Working on the inside, Working on the outside

Everybody's got a body. This is a call to action.

Be a CASTLE for CHRIST

Let's say my church building had a beautiful interior and a glorious sanctuary...but externally, it was falling apart, the paint on the walls was chipping and the outside of the building was unappealing. Would I say, "well the inside looks beautiful, so who really cares if there's rust on the doors?"

You better believe I would never rest with it staying in that condition! This is the house of God! I have reverence for it! Every part of His house should reflect that honor and reverence. The first thing people see is the outside. They should know from jump that someone cares deeply about the purpose of this building.

[insert LIGHTBULB moment here]

Jesus reminds me daily that I am a temple. Not made of bricks, but flesh and blood. Jesus lives here! This is the house of God! I have to have reverence for it! 

"Know ye not that ye are the temple of God, and that the Spirit of God dwelleth in you?"

1 Corinthians 3:16

So, I have resolved to make some home improvements. As I'm allowing God to work on my heart and spiritual health, I want Him to work on the WHOLE HOUSE as well.

"For ye are bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body, and in your spirit, which are God's"

1 Corinthians 6:20 KJV

A spiritual foundation is THE MOST IMPORTANT THING (and I cannot stress that enough). However, every part of my body and my life should be evidence of striving for excellence because as a child of God, I REFLECT HIM! Only presenting some areas beautifully is like saying that the beat up building with the beautiful sanctuary is okay. 

What is the way you present yourself and care for yourself saying about who you serve?

As marvelous and adorned as the temple Solomon built was, God yet chose His children to be His temples. Walking epistles, in fact! We are to be living, breathing proof of the Word (2 Corinthians 3:2-3). Yes, that means US, flawed and imperfect as we are. He could have chosen absolutely anywhere to dwell...and He has sanctified us that He might dwell right in our hearts. The GOD of the universe CHOSE to live here! Let that sink in.

If God is living here, it should be the best possible residence for Him. Physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. I don't want to limit the way God wants to be glorified, the way God wants to move, or the way God wants to use me by lack of health in any of those areas.

So many of us live in extremes. We are so obsessed with the superficial that we spiritually starve to death, or we are so uber holy that we neglect our bodies, our appearance, and a host of other things.

Is it crazy to think that we should consider God in everything we do...even something as simple as what we wear or what we eat? I don't think it is! If we're in Christ, our bodies, souls, and spirits belong to Him.

"What? know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost which is in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own?"

1 Corinthians 6:19 KJV

EVERYTHING is His. And we do everything as unto the Lord! So, how you talk to people, how you dress, how you take care of yourself, how you think...that's all a form of worship!  It doesn't begin and end during church service.

I firmly believe that God wants holistic health and holistic prosperity for us! He is concerned about every single part of you, your WHOLE being. We put God in a box if we believe otherwise. Our mind, body, soul, and spirit are all connected. I believe everything in the natural is tied to the spiritual, and we can't reach our full potential trying to compartmentalize and separate the spiritual from everything else. He wants our faith to abound as well as our fitness, family, and finances. No, I'm not saying everyone will be rich, but we are all called to live richly through Christ. Rich relationships, rich revelation, rich experiences in Him and through Him.

"Beloved, I wish above all things that thou mayest prosper and be in health, even as thy soul prospereth"

3 John 1:2

There is NOTHING mediocre about a child of God. 

He wants the best for us. He has literally given the greatest thing He could for our very sake...HIMSELF.

So, will dressing raggedy send you to hell? Will being physically unhealthy pull you out of heaven? No, probably not. BUT why wouldn't we seek to exemplify abundant life? Why wouldn't we want every area of our lives to be a perfect atmosphere for God's name to be glorified?

This isn't about having loads of money, or looking like a supermodel. This is about being your best self.

It's time for a life check. Are you the building with the jacked up exterior and gorgeous interior? Or are you the beautiful building with a run down interior (1 Samuel 16:7, 1 Peter 3:3-4)? Are you somewhere in the middle?

I'm on a mission to make some life changes. I want to live in the more of God, and the best of my purpose. Who is with me?

Take honor for this temple. Do the very best with what you have, as unto the Lord, and God will do the rest. I promise...actually, He promised.

love, compassion, royalty

Queen

P.S. What are some HOME IMPROVEMENTS you are making? What's your take on this? Let me know in the comments below!

Lips of Character

At my church, this is the year of "Get Healthy, Stay Healthy". And I'm trying to invest in life changes to be holistically healthy in every area of life.

I've been eating Proverbs for breakfast, recently. Let me tell you, there is a Word in there for everything.
And it SURELY caught me this morning.

I'll be honest. I sometimes do things in excess. No, I'm not talking about that extra cookie (though I'm definitely guilty of that, too).

I talk too much.

Not in an, "I'm ready to gossip or tell secrets way". I'm actually a pretty good confidant. I am just a natural born talker. As a writer, as a poet, an artist, and a speaker, it comes with the territory. And it has its perks (say, when networking, or improvising in a presentation or performing under pressure).

However, I am really in the refining fire, and a prudent speaker is so invaluable. In relationships, in ministry, in life. Temperance is a fruit of the Spirit, right?


According to James 1:9, I should be "swift to hear, slow to speak". I am learning that a woman who knows when to hold her tongue is a woman of wisdom (and we know how important that is from this post).

James 3:8 ESV says "no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil,full of deadly poison." This is pretty intense. I get a few things from this, including  1. It's in our nature for our tongue to be out of control, 2. our words can be VERY dangerous...fatal even, and  3. the ability to put our tongue into subjection doesn't come from human power..so it has to come from the supernatural power of the Holy Spirit. To get it right we have to give ourselves over to God and submit to the guidance of His Spirit.

The Word says the tongue is a restless evil. Jermemiah 17:9 says "The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?".  Matthew 12:34 and Luke 6:45 tell us that "out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks". There's a parallel in here somewhere. I surmise that If our hearts change, our speech will, too.  And you know what? If my mouth is under subjection of the Holy Spirit, then it's safe to say the rest of me is, too.


I am often praying in this season that:
-God guards my lips
-every word is spoken under the discretion of His Spirit
-God teaches me to bask in the beauty of silence
-I only speak when it improves upon that silence
-as a friend, I learn when to just listen versus when to speak encouraging words
-everything I speak is genuinely in sincerity and LOVE


I am also learning how powerful the words of a child of God truly are...as strong as life and death (Proverbs 18:21). We can literally shape our experiences, our future, our relationships by the words we use and the words we receive. We can liberate others or incarcerate them. I frequently see a bad habit of saints just throwing around words like they are merely sounds with little significance. Any words spoken have weight. But the words of a child of God?...

We are filled with the very Spirit that spoke the WORLD into existence. I mean, before there was anything that was made, there was the Word (John 1). That's powerful. And that's the same Spirit that gives us the authority not only to speak against the enemy, but to speak over ourselves. We declare things into the atmosphere that actually manifest. I mean, Jesus spoke to a fig tree and cursed it...then told us we have the same ability!

That's a big deal. And big responsibility. Which is more reason why I want to be wise with how I wield that power. I want to edify! Not destroy. Not be wasteful with words that just fill up space, or do not produce profit. I want my words to matter. My words give a glimpse of my heart and paint a portrait of my character. The Word says "A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in pictures of silver." (Proverbs 21:11)

I want lips of Godly character. What about you?

"On the lips of him who has understanding, wisdom is found...
The mouth of the righteous brings forth wisdom...
whoever restrains his lips is prudent...
The lips of the righteous know what is acceptable...
The tongue of the righteous is choice silver...
The lips of the righteous feed many...
The mouth of the righteous is a fountain of life...

Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all offenses"

Proverbs 10:11,12,13,20,21,31,32

So, the next time you're in the mirror, and you're applying your lip gloss or chapstick, and you're puckering up... take a moment to say a prayer. And consider the fruit they bear. Are they feeding the Kingdom?

love, compassion, royalty

Queen G