Quarter Century Chronicles I: Ain't No[BODY] Shame!

Baby Gabbie. I think this was my first birthday.

I am not skinny.

I am not thin. 

I am not "a little bit plump"

I am plus-size. Not "politically-correct-she-can-still-pass" plus-size. Like, legitimately plus-size.

My dress size has been a "teen" since I was a teen.

Some would say curvy, and I'd agree with them (thanks mom!). Others would say fat. And that's okay, too. It's not a swear word, people (but you can feel free to insert size-related euphemism here).

Because of this, the assumption most of my life has been:

1. I am overweight because 75% of my check goes to McDonald's and BK, and I am lazy and unhealthy

2. Because my body does not match the narrow definition of beauty, I must have a deep desire to be thinner and therefor have a dissatisfaction with my body as it is now

3. I can have success in other areas of my life, but as long as I am this size I am failing somehow. I must be unhappy deep down inside.

4.  I must lose weight in order to be attractive enough to find love

These narratives are *so* far from the truth and it is exhausting to feel like I have to wake up every day and justify my existence in this body. I am tired of feeling like I have to apologize for how much space I take up. I am tired of people being offended by my audacity to be and feel beauty despite my body, or even more, because of my body.

I mean at this rate, if superwoman was thickums even she'd be undesirable and un-marryable!

So NO...I don't work out every day. YES cookies are my Achilles Heel.  YES, I am so much of a foodie that I start thanking God for taste-buds when the flavor is just that good (hallelujah). YES I love cooking, and (gasp) I like eating!

HOWEVER.

NO, I don't eat whenever I'm feeling emotional. NO, I don't drink soda...I don't even drink juice that has not been diluted. NO, I don't eat fast food. Why YES,  I have impeccable blood pressure and cholesterol (I mean really, it's quite amazing). INDEED, I detox my body with super clean eating every few months just to stay on track. YES,  I love to dance and play tennis even though my tri-sport varsity days are over. And I have PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) and the hormonal imbalance has a direct impact on my weight, as it does for a majority of women with the condition.

If I was a size 6 and said all these things, no one would care. But because I'm plus-size, people feel the need to assume that I hate my body, that I have no understanding or desire to make healthy choices, and that there is no way I could be happy with the way that I look. 

But here is the thing: I have realized that I am perfectly fine with my body AS IT IS, and that is okay!  It is okay to not feel like the need to drastically modify my body. I spent most of my life grappling with this overwhelming pressure that told me I had to want to change the way that I looked. By default, being fat meant being unworthy (unworthy of happiness, unworthy of affection, unworthy of unconditional love and acceptance, unworthy of success, unworthy of self-appreciation, ETC). The only way to be worthy was to be thinner and as flawlessly packaged as possible.  As much as I love to have that "nails/hair/clothes errthang did" feeling, I started to feel like I was a slave to it; as if I HAD to be on to compensate for my size. Because I began to internalize people's projections,  I started to picture a photoshopped version of myself as the only version that would be deserving of the kinds of things I had dreamed of. I can't tell you how many times I heard "you would be so pretty if..." or "you'd have such a nice shape is you lost some weight". I am so tired of unsolicited diet advice, backwards compliments, and sideways comments (Note: Anytime you start a statement with "you're pretty for a _________", YOU ARE DOING IT WRONG!).

Finally, I realize at 25 that I was trying to subscribe to OTHER PEOPLE'S STANDARDS OF BEAUTY AND OTHER PEOPLE'S DISCOMFORT WITH MY BODY. I tried to take on that burden for myself. I felt I had to. But you know what? I don't have to, and I won't. That's not really my truth. 

Stop mixing up health with the incarcerating confines of media-perpetrated beauty standards. Don't police my body under the guise of you "just want me to be healthy" when in reality, my physician isn't complaining and I'm not that unhealthy. I'm just not skinny and that makes so many people uncomfortable. The fact that I am okay with that makes them even more uncomfortable.

Welp. I'm not here to make people comfortable! I'm busy trying to love myself.

Let's be honest here. Are there days where all my flaws mock me in the mirror? Are there moments where I wish some areas were smaller and other areas bigger? If I said no, I'd be lying. Of course there are those days, because I am human! I'm allowed to have those feelings every so often without defining my existence by them.

And are there healthier choices I could make? ABSOLUTELY! And I am working on that. I want to be the BEST version of myself so that I can give God my best. I want to be my best for my future children.  I could totally work out more, drink more water, eat more clean. BUT my motivation is not so that I can have the type of physical attributes that society deems acceptable. It is not to get thinner. It is not so that my future husband can find me attractive. My motivation is me! I cannot tell you how liberating that is.

I have done away with the notion that everything I do has to be in terms of meeting people's ideals. 

"Hit the gym ladies! No man wants a butterball"

"Take care of that hair, fix those nails, clear up that skin...no man wants to marry a mess!"

"Are you sure you want to eat that? You should be your prettiest on  your wedding day, not your heaviest"

"You should learn to take care of the home and finances. That'll make a good wife."

I am all about presenting yourself in excellence, especially if you want excellence from a mate! There is nothing wrong with that and any body who knows me well knows this is true. I am also all for constant growth. However, I have developed this crazy notion of pursuing greatness because I deserve to be great and God called me to be great...not solely because greatness is what a good man wants. We tell women to be well rounded because It benefits a man as opposed to encouraging it because a well rounded woman is an awesome thing to be! I don't think we can ever reach our full potential while our self-perception is so greatly dependent upon the acceptance of males. Male-approval can not be the hinge on which our lives swing. That significance belongs to Jesus alone. The only validation worth having is the one from God. And He ALREADY declared that you are magnificently made, you are all-together lovely, you are miraculously forgiven, and you are worth dying for.

Feeling summertime fine back when I was 21

So yes, I can be great at a size 16. I don't have to wait until I change _______ to be deserving of love.

How about instead of trying to conform, we focus on transforming? And what if we bettered ourselves for ourselves instead of appeasing others? What if we loved ourselves as we are and didn't apologize for our imperfections?

No more hoping my personality, clothing, or pretty face will compensate for my waistline. No more weight-loss resolutions founded in superficiality. No more giving people power they have no right to have. This is MY body. It's the only one I've got. Jesus lives here.  It shouldn't be so revolutionary for me to love myself as I am. It shouldn't be a radical idea for me to think that the person God plans for me to spend forever with will find me stunning, even without losing 60 lbs. Even with stretchmarks. Even with flaws.

Hey, I already do. I will not be apologizing for acknowledging my wonder any time soon.

From my 25th Birthday Party on 7.18.15

Love, Compassion, Royalty

Queen

P.S. Check out This Previous Post which was a response God gave me after a prayer a couple years ago.

a study on LOVE...

So last summer I did a study on 1 Corinthians 13, the LOVE chapter. These were some of the things the Lord showed me through the study. Hope it blesses you!

LOVE STUDY

To gain a new perspective, try reading the entire chapter each time replacing the word "charity" with: *the Love of God *the love of self *the love of others

-Love for self & others always rejoices in TRUTH...even in chastisement

-Love believes all things God Says Love bears all things God says Love hopes in all things God says

-Love endures despite myself or situation (self love)

-Perseverance towards improvement is a form of love: for God and for self

-Love NEVER fails! Do LOVE and it will DO what it should...LIVE LOVE!!

-all things WITHOUT love of God, Self, and Others is incomplete and SHALL fail; LOVE completes!!

-It takes maturity to understand the completeness & essential requirement of love. 

-As we learn & grow in love, so do our actions since love is shown in action

-Love is light; It illuminates

-Love quickens: is lively/alive, brings life

-love is not judgmental

-Love does not ALWAYS feel like what it has to say is more important that whatever else is being heard....even silence!

-Love seeketh not her own...be self-LESS!

-Love is not easily provoked by people or by circumstances; love gives soft answers (control & temperance)

-Loving yourself is being patient with yourself

-Loving God is being patient even when you don't have an answer or don't know what to do...Patience and obedience are actions of trust built on love

-True self love is generous; If you love yourself, you don't allow yourself to be easily angered or provoked for your own best interest, balance, and peace! Self love doesn't support evil thoughts

-True self love is the opposite of conceit; it is humility

-Love thinks no evil towards God, towards self, or towards others!

-love doesn't ASSUME evil of

-Truths make love joyful...not evil or ungodly things. If evil or ungodly things spring up joy, it is not love and it is not of God

-Love hopes, bears, and endures ALL!

-If you love yourself, or God, you act right!

-Love for Self, Love for God, Love for Others NEVER FAILS!

Saints walking in the purpose and will of God exhibit love for God, for self, and for others. They are not independent of each other, each is intertwined. You can't lack one and not lack something for the other two!

A little study on PROVERBS 31

I did a study on the traits of a Proverbs 31 woman a little while back. Recently, I've been praying about discipline, and decided to take a deeper look into the Proverbs 31 woman. I was really blessed by it so I shared with some of my sisters and wanted to share with you all...hope it blesses!

Since I am praying for discipline I re-did a study on Proverbs 31...reading different translations, and re-did the list of characteristics..I find that Prov. 31 is such a powerful scripture...it is so detailed, but we need to dig deeper than our vain repetitions. We as women really have a laid out instruction that tells us exactly what we should do, who we should be, and exactly what we should strive for. 

To be a real Proverbs 31 is a REAL task that takes CONTINUAL work, effort, chastisement, and humility! I realize there is no "gee I made it, I'm the perfect Proverbs 31", but it is more so a consistent and determined strive to become that woman throughout our lives. 

Did I mention work? I never realized how much the scripture truly mentions how much she works or references her work ethic. WE CANNOT BE LAZY AND UNDISCIPLINED AND CONSIDERED A PROVERBS 31 WOMAN! 

We tend to isolate traits certain people have and say, oh wow she's kind, she's smart...such a Proverbs 31 woman. But the POWER of  a Proverbs 31 isn't that she carries a couple traits, but ALL of them at the same time. No, that doesn't mean PERFECTION but it means constant striving. It's about getting to a place where you constantly strive for that and you more frequently hit the mark than not. 

Think about it. The bible says that this woman of excellence (Wendy, I peeped that SHE carries the spirit of excellence we were talking about..like daniel!) is RARE! It says that "Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all".  If it is so rare, and if all these women actually do virtuously but this specific woman excels or surpasses them all...everybody is not going to be a Proverbs 31. That's reality! It is a HIGH standard. BUT all women of God who are Spirit filled and Spirit led do have the potential to be. The defining factor is actualizing that potential. Our effort will separate the good women from the excellent women.

The only way she can achieve that level of excellence is by and through total submission to God. If you aren't totally submitted, you CAN'T be a Proverbs 31 (in her essence). There is no other way to achieve such a high standard...these aren't merely acts of the flesh but multiple manifestations of the fruit of the Spirit. This is why so many women fall short. It's not just in the actions, it's a matter of the heart and spirit. All those traits can come once we've fully submitted our hearts to God and His will in total REVERENCE.

Her character glorifies God. Her day to day life is a worship to Him...even in her smallest actions, the character of God can be seen. That is powerful. Sisters, we have a MIGHTY position in the Lord. If we get this thing right...we'll be turning this world upside down.

Gee, I have so much to work on! But I'm excited about it!

p.s. please feel free to respond, add on, etc.!

The List:

Trustworthy

Faithful

LOVING

Hard Worker/works eagerly /with delight!(even when no one is working)

Her presence is a blessing

Well respected

Diligent

Has integrity

rises early to work

Gives

Invests, Builds up

Strong from her love

Compassionate & Generous (to all needy)

A woman of QUALITY

Prepared

Confident & Regal (not cocky, not insecure)

Business minded

Prosperous

Wise

Intelligent

Always mindful of others/doing for others

Secure!

Kind

Supportive

STRONG

Keeps her house/maintains the atmosphere of her home…she regularly contributes

She’s aware/in-tune with the needs/people of her household

She is a starter AND a finisher

Well balanced

She respects what she has (her home, her family, her things)

Productive

Independent yet submissive! (she can handle her own)

She is not solely a wife, but a woman of God in her own right (Her identity is in the Lord)

She is an exceptional wife and mother & fulfills those roles wholeheartedly

She brings her husband honor

She is as royalty, she carries herself well

Optimistic/looks forward to the future

She speaks the Word

She makes the most out of her opportunities

She makes her husband to feel content- her actions remind him regularly that she is his blessing

Humble (though everyone praises her, she never needs to praise herself because…)

HER WORKS PRAISE HER

Nurturing

Makes everyone feel special/she is inclusive (her home, her servants, other workers i.e. merchants)

Rational (thoughtful)

She has a merry countenance (she makes the people around her happy)

Generous

She is good at managing her money (hello!)

She knows her worth and the value of the work she does

She does not lag or procrastinate but is instant

She is kind/meek in her words and speaks with purpose

Thank God for being a woman :)

love, compassion, royalty

Qu3eN