Quarter Century Chronicles I: Ain't No[BODY] Shame!

Baby Gabbie. I think this was my first birthday.

I am not skinny.

I am not thin. 

I am not "a little bit plump"

I am plus-size. Not "politically-correct-she-can-still-pass" plus-size. Like, legitimately plus-size.

My dress size has been a "teen" since I was a teen.

Some would say curvy, and I'd agree with them (thanks mom!). Others would say fat. And that's okay, too. It's not a swear word, people (but you can feel free to insert size-related euphemism here).

Because of this, the assumption most of my life has been:

1. I am overweight because 75% of my check goes to McDonald's and BK, and I am lazy and unhealthy

2. Because my body does not match the narrow definition of beauty, I must have a deep desire to be thinner and therefor have a dissatisfaction with my body as it is now

3. I can have success in other areas of my life, but as long as I am this size I am failing somehow. I must be unhappy deep down inside.

4.  I must lose weight in order to be attractive enough to find love

These narratives are *so* far from the truth and it is exhausting to feel like I have to wake up every day and justify my existence in this body. I am tired of feeling like I have to apologize for how much space I take up. I am tired of people being offended by my audacity to be and feel beauty despite my body, or even more, because of my body.

I mean at this rate, if superwoman was thickums even she'd be undesirable and un-marryable!

So NO...I don't work out every day. YES cookies are my Achilles Heel.  YES, I am so much of a foodie that I start thanking God for taste-buds when the flavor is just that good (hallelujah). YES I love cooking, and (gasp) I like eating!

HOWEVER.

NO, I don't eat whenever I'm feeling emotional. NO, I don't drink soda...I don't even drink juice that has not been diluted. NO, I don't eat fast food. Why YES,  I have impeccable blood pressure and cholesterol (I mean really, it's quite amazing). INDEED, I detox my body with super clean eating every few months just to stay on track. YES,  I love to dance and play tennis even though my tri-sport varsity days are over. And I have PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) and the hormonal imbalance has a direct impact on my weight, as it does for a majority of women with the condition.

If I was a size 6 and said all these things, no one would care. But because I'm plus-size, people feel the need to assume that I hate my body, that I have no understanding or desire to make healthy choices, and that there is no way I could be happy with the way that I look. 

But here is the thing: I have realized that I am perfectly fine with my body AS IT IS, and that is okay!  It is okay to not feel like the need to drastically modify my body. I spent most of my life grappling with this overwhelming pressure that told me I had to want to change the way that I looked. By default, being fat meant being unworthy (unworthy of happiness, unworthy of affection, unworthy of unconditional love and acceptance, unworthy of success, unworthy of self-appreciation, ETC). The only way to be worthy was to be thinner and as flawlessly packaged as possible.  As much as I love to have that "nails/hair/clothes errthang did" feeling, I started to feel like I was a slave to it; as if I HAD to be on to compensate for my size. Because I began to internalize people's projections,  I started to picture a photoshopped version of myself as the only version that would be deserving of the kinds of things I had dreamed of. I can't tell you how many times I heard "you would be so pretty if..." or "you'd have such a nice shape is you lost some weight". I am so tired of unsolicited diet advice, backwards compliments, and sideways comments (Note: Anytime you start a statement with "you're pretty for a _________", YOU ARE DOING IT WRONG!).

Finally, I realize at 25 that I was trying to subscribe to OTHER PEOPLE'S STANDARDS OF BEAUTY AND OTHER PEOPLE'S DISCOMFORT WITH MY BODY. I tried to take on that burden for myself. I felt I had to. But you know what? I don't have to, and I won't. That's not really my truth. 

Stop mixing up health with the incarcerating confines of media-perpetrated beauty standards. Don't police my body under the guise of you "just want me to be healthy" when in reality, my physician isn't complaining and I'm not that unhealthy. I'm just not skinny and that makes so many people uncomfortable. The fact that I am okay with that makes them even more uncomfortable.

Welp. I'm not here to make people comfortable! I'm busy trying to love myself.

Let's be honest here. Are there days where all my flaws mock me in the mirror? Are there moments where I wish some areas were smaller and other areas bigger? If I said no, I'd be lying. Of course there are those days, because I am human! I'm allowed to have those feelings every so often without defining my existence by them.

And are there healthier choices I could make? ABSOLUTELY! And I am working on that. I want to be the BEST version of myself so that I can give God my best. I want to be my best for my future children.  I could totally work out more, drink more water, eat more clean. BUT my motivation is not so that I can have the type of physical attributes that society deems acceptable. It is not to get thinner. It is not so that my future husband can find me attractive. My motivation is me! I cannot tell you how liberating that is.

I have done away with the notion that everything I do has to be in terms of meeting people's ideals. 

"Hit the gym ladies! No man wants a butterball"

"Take care of that hair, fix those nails, clear up that skin...no man wants to marry a mess!"

"Are you sure you want to eat that? You should be your prettiest on  your wedding day, not your heaviest"

"You should learn to take care of the home and finances. That'll make a good wife."

I am all about presenting yourself in excellence, especially if you want excellence from a mate! There is nothing wrong with that and any body who knows me well knows this is true. I am also all for constant growth. However, I have developed this crazy notion of pursuing greatness because I deserve to be great and God called me to be great...not solely because greatness is what a good man wants. We tell women to be well rounded because It benefits a man as opposed to encouraging it because a well rounded woman is an awesome thing to be! I don't think we can ever reach our full potential while our self-perception is so greatly dependent upon the acceptance of males. Male-approval can not be the hinge on which our lives swing. That significance belongs to Jesus alone. The only validation worth having is the one from God. And He ALREADY declared that you are magnificently made, you are all-together lovely, you are miraculously forgiven, and you are worth dying for.

Feeling summertime fine back when I was 21

So yes, I can be great at a size 16. I don't have to wait until I change _______ to be deserving of love.

How about instead of trying to conform, we focus on transforming? And what if we bettered ourselves for ourselves instead of appeasing others? What if we loved ourselves as we are and didn't apologize for our imperfections?

No more hoping my personality, clothing, or pretty face will compensate for my waistline. No more weight-loss resolutions founded in superficiality. No more giving people power they have no right to have. This is MY body. It's the only one I've got. Jesus lives here.  It shouldn't be so revolutionary for me to love myself as I am. It shouldn't be a radical idea for me to think that the person God plans for me to spend forever with will find me stunning, even without losing 60 lbs. Even with stretchmarks. Even with flaws.

Hey, I already do. I will not be apologizing for acknowledging my wonder any time soon.

From my 25th Birthday Party on 7.18.15

Love, Compassion, Royalty

Queen

P.S. Check out This Previous Post which was a response God gave me after a prayer a couple years ago.

CHECKLIST: A Girl Named Penny (Freewrite)

I wrote this last year

A freewrite which was a response to an exchange I had with God.

Clothes, check

face, check

full stove, baked goods

shoe game, hair tamed

prays like Hannah and

submits like Ruth and 

honors like Esther and

serves like Dorcas and

available like Mary, 

yes marry...who me?

but

what’s your name? you forget you say?

back to the list

Degree? yes, check

knows how to budget and balance a check

book, reads books

wait, heart check?

skip

I said heart check?

skip

sounds like an out of sync palpitation but

if your talent is loud enough, most won’t hear it

Pretty face on a good day

does it make up for her weight,

wait

pretty words can cover that up

cover girl, smile big

not big on make up 

but made up of 90%

mascara

she says masks scare her

scarred, is she

Is she beautiful? 

What’s her name? you forgot you say?

A Penny for your thoughts, honey

just enough to compensate

So God says to her

Aren’t you tired of trying to defend your definition of value to those clearly illiterate in beauty

I can’t leave you where you are

Aren’t you tired of trying to fit a triangle into a square?

putting boys on thrones when some are spiritual babes still needing their high chairs

You haven’t had a child yet so why are you so content wiping milk off lips?

Potential alone aint never turned a crush into a covenant

hand on the bible, but eyes still seeking coke bottles 

a brother don’t mean to hurt or bother nobody but while his body is in church he still notices the bodies, 

but doesn’t everybody, I mean who doesn’t want a bride with a body

anybody, but not just anybody

more stuck on the shape than her submission to the Head of the body

If you don’t have no body

you are nobody

basic temple geometry

but please, sister anointed lips, could you pray for me?

God spoke to her today and said

I see your knuckles grasped around what you think is your self worth, girl

looks gold on the outside but beneath your grip I see the brass

So let’s trade

Can I have it?

All is not almost 

All is not most

Will you trust me?

you always say that I make beautiful things out of the dust

your heart is tear soaked mud

may I have it, please?

Clay

You fear not the fire

only that once the flames finish, you still won’t be polished

You keep pieces of it because you wonder who would want the Penny

in a world where even dimes are not enough

so when you’ve presented what you think is your best self

good things gift wrapped, you discard the rest

because who would want a Penny when you handed them a hundred dollar bill

do you realize the grevity of telling me “keep the change”?

I am the change, I can’t withhold myself

I can’t let you stay the same

I am not a cashier

you are not a cash exchange

not a grocery list where your best attributes are divided up next to check boxes

this is not a barter for your best parts

I am not looking to buy you on sale

This blood was full price

even one single cent isn’t useless to me

one, single

sent

you are to be used just for me

I 

am not the Adam who left you uncovered

nor his sons who emotionally do the same

I am the Christ whose crimson covered you 

You ask to touch the hem of my garment

But let me sew the hem of your heart

I 

am tailor, and artist, and

I can mold masterpieces out of a mite, too

Might you

Give me all of you?

I can’t leave you

where you

are, you 

tired, yet

of trying to fit a triangle into a square?

I am maker of shapes, and I know where you fit

Not based on how your clothes fit

but custom made for a robe of righteousness

you are not a “she has everything, but”

you will not be worthy, when

you, you are everything I want

Now,

discard your checklist

Penny isn’t your name, Queen

~love, compassion, royalty~

UNSEXY part II: SISTERS, We've GOT to do BETTER!

Is it just me or is class out of style? 


some girls just give me the heebie jeebies! maybe its a big practical joke, and i am getting played; because there is no way they honestly find that attractive. i mean its to the point where i am mad i even have to look at their pictures littering my pictures sometimes....ladies we have got to do better!

then i wonder if anyone ever even tells them...
probably not. do we stay quiet to protect their self esteem?
i know, at some point in my life i have done it before, i'll be honest. but personally, i believe letting them think that type of presentation to the world is okay ends up doing just the opposite.


 it devalues us.


 if you don't let them know the message they are sending then people will keep receiving the wrong one. 

other women are probably entertained by the demise of these types of girls and figure, less competition for them. i know some of us would watch our sisters continually decay into ill dressed cartoonization of what women aren't supposed to be, choosing not to uplift our misguided sisters with the truth, but instead leave them to their misconceptions with only so much as an 'smh'. 


i know.


i have done that  before, i won't lie. 

or maybe, nothing is said because in this day and age, honesty can sometimes be considered hating. and looking out for people gets confused with trying to tear them down.
 i know it does because you guessed it,  i got caught in that crossfire, as well.


but au contraire. no one said the truth was warm and fuzzy, or that growth was painless. even biologically, muscles have to be broken down to be built up.  sometimes it has to sting a little now to prevent it killing you later. some of us need to grow up, stop abusing the term "hating" just because we can't accept the facts because they cause us to examine ourselves, and somebody was bold enough to call us out. 


but i hate to see us come to this. so even so, i must share the truth, and grin and bear whatever comes with it.
oh naive ones, call me a hater if you must; but i will call out the er in our ways because i must.
women, come on! we are more than this. we bear humanity in our womb and stand as its backbone. 


what have we been reduced to? it sickens me to sit and watch people strive harder to become objects of sexual desire than self respect. some of us are becoming cruel jokes...and its not funny. 

is anyone as frustrated as i? the worst part is, some of you are reading this and are so prepared to point out or ponder who you know that fits this category when in fact, you may be one of them.


i am tired of the standard of no standard, renaming non-existent self-respect with sexual liberation and calling classlessness, sexy. 


i am tired of girls getting mad that men have attention spans as short as your dress and minds about as full as their push up, and wondering why a little of nothing is all they give when that is all you offer with your demeanor. 


some of us are walking, breathing, blasphemies because we were made in the image of God and grieve him when we know not our own beauty. i am tired of it. learn what sexy is. because what i have been seeing lately, is not it.


on that note, 
Love. Compassion. Royalty!
Qu3eN G

UNSEXY part I : What sexy is NOT!

I AM FED UP. I HAD TO VENT...

i do NOT understand some females. just...i mean...like, how do you NOT KNOW certain things unsexy? 

you don't realize the way you carry yourself?
those triffling- no-imagination-needed- same pose pictures, is just NOT SEXY? some of us (women) are infamous for being trashy...literally. i had a conversation with a young man about a young lady, and for him and his friends, this type of behavior is synonymous with her name...not the fact that she is a pre-med major, or is a sweet girl who can hold a good conversation...but the crude ensembles and that out there behavior is what comes to mind when they bring her up. He knows she is cool to talk to. but that's not how she puts herself out there, so who pays attention to that when double d's and an open invitation to hook up after the club is on the table first? 

that is so SAD! 

Don't get it twisted! i am a fan of sexy. but there are somethings that just ARE NOT! there is an undeniable and quite discernible difference between being confident and comfortable enough in your own skin to show a little skin, and being so insecure or misguided that you carelessly display all your skin! everything works in moderation. its more than just the clothes, its the total package in the way some of us carry ourselves that is the problem. i mean i get upset at them for not getting upset at themselves! 
if you were commercial, i would SUE the advertisement company...except YOU ARE the advertisement company and you are selling yourself short!! think about it. if all that was there were snapshots of some of these girls, what do you presume most would think these girls are selling? what ARE they selling? don't they realize everyday you are on display whether you like it or not? do you have high value or are you just discount? do you have substance or are you just a sugar fix for a temporary high? 

the sad part is, despite how intelligent or intriguing they may be beneath it, they have already spoken louder than any words possibly could; we have been deafened to your greatness by tactless desperateness, and even with all that potential, the garbage being presented precedes everything.

don't get me wrong. somebody somewhere will find it attractive. i mean, guys are guys, we are all human and made of flesh. but if you present your body like that is all you have to offer, then thats what they will take it as. you may get quite a few ogles but at what cost? your dignity? and lets cut men some slack. yes, many are shallow, but many are not. and even if the cleavage and booty bearing caught their eye, chances are it won't maintain it if thats all there is. you should be going for the type of guy who will find it sexy when you are wearing glasses, pajama pants and his t-shirt. it is a different level of sexy. and newsflash, they DO like a woman who treats herself like she is more than her assets (you are attracting men who do, its pretty OBVIOUS something must change, and you don't want that type of man anyhow). 

yes its your body. which is why you should be taking better care of it. you parade it around as though its an empty shell, as though its zenith of glory comes from increase in libido after a man stares, and then wonder why you get treated the way you do. they won't treat your body like a temple if you treat it like product on sale, cheaper on the weekends. ultimately, you should be able to dress how you want and act how you want. just be prepared for the consequences. how can we tell them to respect us when we don't respect ourselves? how can we get mad when they treat us like hoe's when that's how we treat ourselves?

why do some girls try so hard? some of us fail to realize how desperate we appear, putting so much effort in trying to look/be/appear sexy when that just defeats the purpose? you become caricatures. you already have sexiness in you, let it naturally come out. the sexiest is always the effortless. it is most attractive when you are comfortable with yourself, no matter who you are. 


on that note, 
Love. Compassion. Royalty!
Qu3eN G