Tuesday, September 3, 2013

Good Morning, Fallible (Freewrite)

I wake up desiring to live intentionally
sometimes forgetting I already have the capacity to
that goals are different than wishes
and potential will cuddle with your dreams
but it don’t keep you warm at night

I wake up desiring to be phenomenal
but 15 minutes of sleep and a dose of mediocrity
taste so tempting on insecure lips
it is morphine for the intimidated soul

I got
missed calls from failure inquiring if I’m drunk yet
because I have one billion reasons to remind myself
of geographical lapses in perfection
ditches in my landscape
cavities of mistakes that feign depth
and a landmine for a heartbeat
living here is dangerous
Loving me is life or death

I wonder
If the epic in me is just a daydream
or if she just cowers wearily
in a hidden corner of my being
cause she aint
seen daylight
in a while
I must remind myself
must remind myself
That I am fallible
and I must love me anyway

I wonder constantly if I am amazing only in abstract
but not functionally tangible
I don't want to be touched only in theory

I fear
I am the equivalent of a child’s fairytale book
lost in the projects of Providence
Beautiful on paper, but no match for concrete
like a gust of wind to fairy dust
when the darkness of reality hits

There are seasons where I feel like
I only value myself by accident
traipsing into confidence on happenstance

tragedy
is when the love you release
says return to sender
and you don’t know where to put it

tragedy
is loving others for exactly who they are
but feeling like affection is a foreign language
when you speak kind words to yourself
Google translate doesn't work for that. 
I tried.

My self esteem is starting to look like blurred vision
feel like static
sing like white noise
sing 
like white noise
is my voice just a collision of sound waves clashing
waves crashing
drowning
in an ocean that I taught others to swim in

My holiness has holes in it some days
I pray
my purpose doesn’t leak through
I fear
I am a grand perception and a good idea
that sounds great on paper
but may never live
Maybe I am Angelou’s unwritten poem
Maybe I am the ink that stained Langston’s
fingers
but never
his paper

I must remind myself
God loves me on purpose
must remind myself
That I am fallible
and I must love me anyway

Challenge Accepted.

2 comments:

  1. Soooooo when are you publishing a book????

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. In Jesus name, One day I will be able to! Thanks for your love and support sis! <3

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