"Nothing"...A Prayer/Freewrite

HELLO LOVES
I was in prayer at bible study, and prayed utter submission. I told God I wanted Him to utterly take over me, and do exactly what He wanted with me, in me, and through. I then envisioned what it would be like to be completely malleable to God.  I saw myself as this shapeless matter, then as this formless mound of clay. And this is what came out during prayer, and it is the sincerest desire and declaration of my heart.

Nothing (Clay)

A freewrite

10/16/13

I am formless except for Your hand
I am shapeless except for Your fingers
I am empty mass except for Your spirit
I float lest You anchor me
Here, am I, am clay
Am shapeless, formless matter
am indistinguishable and indiscernible
except for Your breath
and warmth of Your palms
I drown lest You lift me
I decay lest You preserve me
I am colorless
but just the right shade of transparent
for Light to shine through
I am flavorless
vague and in distinctive
Contemplating how nothing can chemically cook into sodium chloride
I am scratch
I am start
with me and end in You
begin with nothing
and end in Everything
complete: I am the antonym and You are the answer
I am anonymous lest You name me
An archaeological dig of sorts
An expedition only begetting dirt
Undiscovered lest You excavate
and give meaning to my dust
An Adam Atom
I am both dead air and dead weight
Both Weightless and heavy
Both sinking and rising
Most nothing
Lest You undo and redo me
Mold and renew me
Make me
Something
Here, am I, am clay
I hear You are Master Creator
Cultivating beauty out of vastness
Thou despisest pride
And there is nothing more humble than a clean slate
Except an empty one
I
Am shapeless, formless matter
am indistinguishable and indiscernible
except for Your breath
and warmth of Your palms
I am zero
You are infinity
and becoming Yours is the catalyst of my existence
I become, in You
I am insignificant matter
an insignificant matter
until I mattered to You
I am the darkness on the face of the deep
and you are are the whisper
hear
When I say I give you absolutely nothing
here
I am laying all I am at your feet
I am nothing, now
But I will be evidence
of He who makes something
out of Nothing
Here, am I, am clay




love, compassion, royalty
Queen

Good Morning, Fallible (Freewrite)

I wake up desiring to live intentionally

sometimes forgetting I already have the capacity to

that goals are different than wishes

and potential will cuddle with your dreams

but it don’t keep you warm at night

I wake up desiring to be phenomenal

but 15 minutes of sleep and a dose of mediocrity

taste so tempting on insecure lips

it is morphine for the intimidated soul

I got

missed calls from failure inquiring if I’m drunk yet

because I have one billion reasons to remind myself

of geographical lapses in perfection

ditches in my landscape

cavities of mistakes that feign depth

and a landmine for a heartbeat

living here is dangerous

Loving me is life or death

I wonder

If the epic in me is just a daydream

or if she just cowers wearily

in a hidden corner of my being

cause she aint

seen daylight

in a while

I must remind myself

must remind myself

That I am fallible

and I must love me anyway

I wonder constantly if I am amazing only in abstract

but not functionally tangible

I don't want to be touched only in theory

I fear

I am the equivalent of a child’s fairytale book

lost in the projects of Providence

Beautiful on paper, but no match for concrete

like a gust of wind to fairy dust

when the darkness of reality hits

There are seasons where I feel like

I only value myself by accident

traipsing into confidence on happenstance

tragedy

is when the love you release

says return to sender

and you don’t know where to put it

tragedy

is loving others for exactly who they are

but feeling like affection is a foreign language

when you speak kind words to yourself

Google translate doesn't work for that. 

I tried.

My self esteem is starting to look like blurred vision

feel like static

sing like white noise

sing 

like white noise

is my voice just a collision of sound waves clashing

waves crashing

drowning

in an ocean that I taught others to swim in

My holiness has holes in it some days

I pray

my purpose doesn’t leak through

I fear

I am a grand perception and a good idea

that sounds great on paper

but may never live

Maybe I am Angelou’s unwritten poem

Maybe I am the ink that stained Langston’s

fingers

but never

his paper

I must remind myself

God loves me on purpose

must remind myself

That I am fallible

and I must love me anyway

Challenge Accepted.