CHECKLIST: A Girl Named Penny (Freewrite)

I wrote this last year

A freewrite which was a response to an exchange I had with God.

Clothes, check

face, check

full stove, baked goods

shoe game, hair tamed

prays like Hannah and

submits like Ruth and 

honors like Esther and

serves like Dorcas and

available like Mary, 

yes marry...who me?

but

what’s your name? you forget you say?

back to the list

Degree? yes, check

knows how to budget and balance a check

book, reads books

wait, heart check?

skip

I said heart check?

skip

sounds like an out of sync palpitation but

if your talent is loud enough, most won’t hear it

Pretty face on a good day

does it make up for her weight,

wait

pretty words can cover that up

cover girl, smile big

not big on make up 

but made up of 90%

mascara

she says masks scare her

scarred, is she

Is she beautiful? 

What’s her name? you forgot you say?

A Penny for your thoughts, honey

just enough to compensate

So God says to her

Aren’t you tired of trying to defend your definition of value to those clearly illiterate in beauty

I can’t leave you where you are

Aren’t you tired of trying to fit a triangle into a square?

putting boys on thrones when some are spiritual babes still needing their high chairs

You haven’t had a child yet so why are you so content wiping milk off lips?

Potential alone aint never turned a crush into a covenant

hand on the bible, but eyes still seeking coke bottles 

a brother don’t mean to hurt or bother nobody but while his body is in church he still notices the bodies, 

but doesn’t everybody, I mean who doesn’t want a bride with a body

anybody, but not just anybody

more stuck on the shape than her submission to the Head of the body

If you don’t have no body

you are nobody

basic temple geometry

but please, sister anointed lips, could you pray for me?

God spoke to her today and said

I see your knuckles grasped around what you think is your self worth, girl

looks gold on the outside but beneath your grip I see the brass

So let’s trade

Can I have it?

All is not almost 

All is not most

Will you trust me?

you always say that I make beautiful things out of the dust

your heart is tear soaked mud

may I have it, please?

Clay

You fear not the fire

only that once the flames finish, you still won’t be polished

You keep pieces of it because you wonder who would want the Penny

in a world where even dimes are not enough

so when you’ve presented what you think is your best self

good things gift wrapped, you discard the rest

because who would want a Penny when you handed them a hundred dollar bill

do you realize the grevity of telling me “keep the change”?

I am the change, I can’t withhold myself

I can’t let you stay the same

I am not a cashier

you are not a cash exchange

not a grocery list where your best attributes are divided up next to check boxes

this is not a barter for your best parts

I am not looking to buy you on sale

This blood was full price

even one single cent isn’t useless to me

one, single

sent

you are to be used just for me

I 

am not the Adam who left you uncovered

nor his sons who emotionally do the same

I am the Christ whose crimson covered you 

You ask to touch the hem of my garment

But let me sew the hem of your heart

I 

am tailor, and artist, and

I can mold masterpieces out of a mite, too

Might you

Give me all of you?

I can’t leave you

where you

are, you 

tired, yet

of trying to fit a triangle into a square?

I am maker of shapes, and I know where you fit

Not based on how your clothes fit

but custom made for a robe of righteousness

you are not a “she has everything, but”

you will not be worthy, when

you, you are everything I want

Now,

discard your checklist

Penny isn’t your name, Queen

~love, compassion, royalty~

Good Morning, Fallible (Freewrite)

I wake up desiring to live intentionally

sometimes forgetting I already have the capacity to

that goals are different than wishes

and potential will cuddle with your dreams

but it don’t keep you warm at night

I wake up desiring to be phenomenal

but 15 minutes of sleep and a dose of mediocrity

taste so tempting on insecure lips

it is morphine for the intimidated soul

I got

missed calls from failure inquiring if I’m drunk yet

because I have one billion reasons to remind myself

of geographical lapses in perfection

ditches in my landscape

cavities of mistakes that feign depth

and a landmine for a heartbeat

living here is dangerous

Loving me is life or death

I wonder

If the epic in me is just a daydream

or if she just cowers wearily

in a hidden corner of my being

cause she aint

seen daylight

in a while

I must remind myself

must remind myself

That I am fallible

and I must love me anyway

I wonder constantly if I am amazing only in abstract

but not functionally tangible

I don't want to be touched only in theory

I fear

I am the equivalent of a child’s fairytale book

lost in the projects of Providence

Beautiful on paper, but no match for concrete

like a gust of wind to fairy dust

when the darkness of reality hits

There are seasons where I feel like

I only value myself by accident

traipsing into confidence on happenstance

tragedy

is when the love you release

says return to sender

and you don’t know where to put it

tragedy

is loving others for exactly who they are

but feeling like affection is a foreign language

when you speak kind words to yourself

Google translate doesn't work for that. 

I tried.

My self esteem is starting to look like blurred vision

feel like static

sing like white noise

sing 

like white noise

is my voice just a collision of sound waves clashing

waves crashing

drowning

in an ocean that I taught others to swim in

My holiness has holes in it some days

I pray

my purpose doesn’t leak through

I fear

I am a grand perception and a good idea

that sounds great on paper

but may never live

Maybe I am Angelou’s unwritten poem

Maybe I am the ink that stained Langston’s

fingers

but never

his paper

I must remind myself

God loves me on purpose

must remind myself

That I am fallible

and I must love me anyway

Challenge Accepted.