Quarter Century Chronicles I: Ain't No[BODY] Shame!

Baby Gabbie. I think this was my first birthday.

I am not skinny.

I am not thin. 

I am not "a little bit plump"

I am plus-size. Not "politically-correct-she-can-still-pass" plus-size. Like, legitimately plus-size.

My dress size has been a "teen" since I was a teen.

Some would say curvy, and I'd agree with them (thanks mom!). Others would say fat. And that's okay, too. It's not a swear word, people (but you can feel free to insert size-related euphemism here).

Because of this, the assumption most of my life has been:

1. I am overweight because 75% of my check goes to McDonald's and BK, and I am lazy and unhealthy

2. Because my body does not match the narrow definition of beauty, I must have a deep desire to be thinner and therefor have a dissatisfaction with my body as it is now

3. I can have success in other areas of my life, but as long as I am this size I am failing somehow. I must be unhappy deep down inside.

4.  I must lose weight in order to be attractive enough to find love

These narratives are *so* far from the truth and it is exhausting to feel like I have to wake up every day and justify my existence in this body. I am tired of feeling like I have to apologize for how much space I take up. I am tired of people being offended by my audacity to be and feel beauty despite my body, or even more, because of my body.

I mean at this rate, if superwoman was thickums even she'd be undesirable and un-marryable!

So NO...I don't work out every day. YES cookies are my Achilles Heel.  YES, I am so much of a foodie that I start thanking God for taste-buds when the flavor is just that good (hallelujah). YES I love cooking, and (gasp) I like eating!

HOWEVER.

NO, I don't eat whenever I'm feeling emotional. NO, I don't drink soda...I don't even drink juice that has not been diluted. NO, I don't eat fast food. Why YES,  I have impeccable blood pressure and cholesterol (I mean really, it's quite amazing). INDEED, I detox my body with super clean eating every few months just to stay on track. YES,  I love to dance and play tennis even though my tri-sport varsity days are over. And I have PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) and the hormonal imbalance has a direct impact on my weight, as it does for a majority of women with the condition.

If I was a size 6 and said all these things, no one would care. But because I'm plus-size, people feel the need to assume that I hate my body, that I have no understanding or desire to make healthy choices, and that there is no way I could be happy with the way that I look. 

But here is the thing: I have realized that I am perfectly fine with my body AS IT IS, and that is okay!  It is okay to not feel like the need to drastically modify my body. I spent most of my life grappling with this overwhelming pressure that told me I had to want to change the way that I looked. By default, being fat meant being unworthy (unworthy of happiness, unworthy of affection, unworthy of unconditional love and acceptance, unworthy of success, unworthy of self-appreciation, ETC). The only way to be worthy was to be thinner and as flawlessly packaged as possible.  As much as I love to have that "nails/hair/clothes errthang did" feeling, I started to feel like I was a slave to it; as if I HAD to be on to compensate for my size. Because I began to internalize people's projections,  I started to picture a photoshopped version of myself as the only version that would be deserving of the kinds of things I had dreamed of. I can't tell you how many times I heard "you would be so pretty if..." or "you'd have such a nice shape is you lost some weight". I am so tired of unsolicited diet advice, backwards compliments, and sideways comments (Note: Anytime you start a statement with "you're pretty for a _________", YOU ARE DOING IT WRONG!).

Finally, I realize at 25 that I was trying to subscribe to OTHER PEOPLE'S STANDARDS OF BEAUTY AND OTHER PEOPLE'S DISCOMFORT WITH MY BODY. I tried to take on that burden for myself. I felt I had to. But you know what? I don't have to, and I won't. That's not really my truth. 

Stop mixing up health with the incarcerating confines of media-perpetrated beauty standards. Don't police my body under the guise of you "just want me to be healthy" when in reality, my physician isn't complaining and I'm not that unhealthy. I'm just not skinny and that makes so many people uncomfortable. The fact that I am okay with that makes them even more uncomfortable.

Welp. I'm not here to make people comfortable! I'm busy trying to love myself.

Let's be honest here. Are there days where all my flaws mock me in the mirror? Are there moments where I wish some areas were smaller and other areas bigger? If I said no, I'd be lying. Of course there are those days, because I am human! I'm allowed to have those feelings every so often without defining my existence by them.

And are there healthier choices I could make? ABSOLUTELY! And I am working on that. I want to be the BEST version of myself so that I can give God my best. I want to be my best for my future children.  I could totally work out more, drink more water, eat more clean. BUT my motivation is not so that I can have the type of physical attributes that society deems acceptable. It is not to get thinner. It is not so that my future husband can find me attractive. My motivation is me! I cannot tell you how liberating that is.

I have done away with the notion that everything I do has to be in terms of meeting people's ideals. 

"Hit the gym ladies! No man wants a butterball"

"Take care of that hair, fix those nails, clear up that skin...no man wants to marry a mess!"

"Are you sure you want to eat that? You should be your prettiest on  your wedding day, not your heaviest"

"You should learn to take care of the home and finances. That'll make a good wife."

I am all about presenting yourself in excellence, especially if you want excellence from a mate! There is nothing wrong with that and any body who knows me well knows this is true. I am also all for constant growth. However, I have developed this crazy notion of pursuing greatness because I deserve to be great and God called me to be great...not solely because greatness is what a good man wants. We tell women to be well rounded because It benefits a man as opposed to encouraging it because a well rounded woman is an awesome thing to be! I don't think we can ever reach our full potential while our self-perception is so greatly dependent upon the acceptance of males. Male-approval can not be the hinge on which our lives swing. That significance belongs to Jesus alone. The only validation worth having is the one from God. And He ALREADY declared that you are magnificently made, you are all-together lovely, you are miraculously forgiven, and you are worth dying for.

Feeling summertime fine back when I was 21

So yes, I can be great at a size 16. I don't have to wait until I change _______ to be deserving of love.

How about instead of trying to conform, we focus on transforming? And what if we bettered ourselves for ourselves instead of appeasing others? What if we loved ourselves as we are and didn't apologize for our imperfections?

No more hoping my personality, clothing, or pretty face will compensate for my waistline. No more weight-loss resolutions founded in superficiality. No more giving people power they have no right to have. This is MY body. It's the only one I've got. Jesus lives here.  It shouldn't be so revolutionary for me to love myself as I am. It shouldn't be a radical idea for me to think that the person God plans for me to spend forever with will find me stunning, even without losing 60 lbs. Even with stretchmarks. Even with flaws.

Hey, I already do. I will not be apologizing for acknowledging my wonder any time soon.

From my 25th Birthday Party on 7.18.15

Love, Compassion, Royalty

Queen

P.S. Check out This Previous Post which was a response God gave me after a prayer a couple years ago.

The Quarter Century Chronicles: Introduction

25.

1/4 of a century.
Half-way to 50.
Two and a half decades old.

To those in the first decade or two of life, it seems a lot like the last few days before the expiration date on the milk carton of youth. It seems dangerously close to that moment in growing up where removing the "young" before "adult" is necessary. It can feel like the shiny wrapping of your 20's has begun to fade and unravel, almost without warning. It can feel like a very relevant realization that you aren't 17 anymore, and your dreams will never wake from their slumber unless you relentlessly pursue their awakening. The luxury of living as though wishing was enough expired along with my 21 year old driver's license. This is not a dress rehearsal. Real life is happening NOW.

25 is more close to 30 than I've ever been. It makes me ponder how alarmingly fast adulthood snuck into my space-time continuum, and how overrated full time adulting can feel. It is safe to say that this is NOT what I expected of my mid twenties. Truly, I miss the days before Sallie Mae started calling me like a jealous boyfriend, before National Grid filled my mailbox like a nostalgic lover, before the days seemed so long and the years felt so short. Most days, I feel like I am so bad at being grown up. I may still have mental bruises from beating myself up so much. Actually, I feel like I should still be finishing phrases like "when I grow up"... yet I simultaneously feel like I am past due for a successful business and changed last name. I want a bowl of captain crunch and a healthy 401K at the same time.  A ring pop and a diamond ring. Is that too much to ask?

Yet and still, many on the far end of 25 see this age as the prime-time. If life is a feature length film, we are still in the preview years. Still too wet behind the ears to know much of anything. And as whimsically awkward as this season is, I would have to agree with them. In all the knowledge and wisdom I've acquired, the truth remains that I'm a young thang and I don't know much, all things considered. Lord willing, there is still so much life to live, so much of myself to learn, so much of my vision to actualize, so much more to do for the Kingdom. And it's all too exciting. I'm anxious and hopeful at the same time. It's like the feeling I get when I'm on a roller coaster that is creeping up the incline, right before the drop. It's the butterflies...a concoction of apprehension and anticipation swirling in my stomach right before that moment of adrenaline and exhilaration. There is so much to discover.

25 is magnificent because I know I wasn't supposed to make it here. There are so many moments, so many circumstances, so many monsters that tried to consume me, whole. So many things that tried to leave holes, and chew me bone and soul. I bled, I cracked, but I did not break. And I feel like reaching 25 with hope still stirring and joy still sprouting is a marvelous victory. I feel like I cheated death. Like every time optimism still kisses my thoughts, like every day I wake up smiling, like every time I choose to trust God's promise, I am sticking it to Satan. I owe it to Christ to live fully, to live with fire and fervor and heart. To live with gratitude. To give honor to His grace by chasing Him. To live on purpose, everyday.

The thing is there are still many things I thought I'd be better at by now and I am not any more perfect than I was at 24, or 23, or 22. But I am being perfected.  And I am getting better at embracing that process. In the interim, my skin feels better on me. My gifts feel better in me. My love looks more and more like me, and I'm giving it more and more like Jesus.

Over the next few weeks, I'm going to share some revelations reaching 25 has afforded me. Let's be real. I'm still figuring this job thing out, I have *real* debt, I talk too much, I still don't have a legit laundry schedule, I need to improve my time management, and I forget to eat at least one day a week. CLEARLY, I have not "arrived" and do not plan on pretending as if I have. Ya'll, I'm still just trying to get there. But I'm learning to accept my bumpy, winding, windy, wonderful road. It's rough terrain but my oh my, what a breathtaking view. I hope you stick with me for the ride.

Expect mistakes. Expect miracles. Expect the beauty of where they collide....and so the journey begins.

Happy birthday to me. Blessings to you.

Love, Compassion, Royalty,

Queen

Forgiveness and the Face of God

HELLO READERS!

This is my first post in a VERY long time! I have missed you. And God would not stop the gentle tug on my heart to return to this blog.

It feels as though a lifetime has happened since then. Over time with the leading of the Lord, I will slowly unhash lessons I have learned along the way.

This post is about...

FORGIVENESS 

(and boy have I had my share of this recently).

Matthew 18:21-22 (NKJV) Then Peter came to Him and said, “Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? Up to seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven.

Isaiah 43:25 (NKJV) "I, even I, am He who blots out your transgressions for My own sake; And I will not remember your sins.

Whoa.

Heavy right? This is an area many of us struggle with. The following is a revelation God gave me while reading the book of Genesis. Many people know the story, but if you don't it's cool. The following is a short and shallow synopsis, so make sure to read the book of Genesis for full context.

See, Jacob was a very blessed man who had a habit of trickery. His name even means "Supplanter". Eventually, God molds him into a devoted man of honor, but he does some dishonorable things along the way. One of those things was fool his twin brother Esau out of his birthright and blessing (this wasn't 2015 y'all...once that thing was given and declared, it could not be undone). Blessings and birthrights were no minor thing.

This completely impacts the entire course of Esau's life. Esau was MAD y'all. And heartbroken. He threatened to KILL his brother!

The fear of Esau's vengeance haunted Jacob his entire life! After many years, it is time for Jacob to return home. Jacob was riddled with immense anxiety. We pick up at the point of the story where the two brothers meet for the very first time, face to face.

Jacob says to Esau

"Please accept my present...for I have seen your face, and it is like seeing the face of God"

His forgiveness in the face of life altering offense, his humble graciousness to the blood who betrayed him, his genuine outpouring of love to the wrongful party...it was more than just saying "it's okay, brother". It was an act of authentic forgiveness where he thoroughly forfeited his right to be angry, where love replaced every residue of resentment ...and it changed Jacob's life. It was bigger than Esau, it was an opportunity for Jacob to experience the love of God through someone else.

This is after Jacob is overtaken by the throes of fear. He prepares for war, attempts to ward off conflict with gifts...pleads with God for mercy before facing the brother he wronged.

Then something miraculous and beautiful happens. The angry and rageful countenance of Esau that Jacob remembers utterly dissipates when the image of his brother's tear streaked face replaces it, and Jacob is engulfed in a heartfelt embrace.

Micah 7:18 (NIV) Who is a God like you, who pardons sin and forgives the transgression of the remnant of his inheritance? You do not stay angry forever but delight to show mercy.

Suddenly, the gift Jacob prepared is no longer a gimmick to keep an old familial foe at bay. Suddenly, the gift is an offering of gratitude, for the things that Jacob received that day are incomparable in value. 

He gained his brother back.

He obtained mercy from his brother.

But he also obtained grace from God. 

He implores Esau to please receive his humble offering. He is undone by Esau's acceptance. He compares the face of his twin brother to the face of God. Wow.

I've heard and read this story plenty of times. And It has always been about Jacob.

Today, it was about Esau.

The immense level of hurt caused is part of what made this moment mean so much.

It's so difficult to grasp the truth of a God who genuinely forgives the wretchedness sin has made of us. Especially when it's something so rare amidst our everyday relationships. But maybe God allows His disciples to endure offense so the offender can experience true forgiveness.  Maybe, If they encounter a blotting out of transgression from an imperfect human they can see, they will know the true source is a perfect, merciful God they can't see.

Matthew 6:14 (JUB) For if ye set men free their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also set you free

So yes, Jacob saw God's forgiving heart towards him through the radically changed heart of his brother.

Chew on that for a moment. Maybe God is beseeching us to forgive not only to free us, but so that someone else can see the face of God. 

Daniel 9:9 (NIV) The Lord our God is merciful and forgiving, even though we have rebelled against him

Colossians 3:13 (NIV) Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.

~Love, Compassion, Royalty~

Queen

P.S. Are there any situations where you've had to forgive a deeply painful offense? Have you ever needed forgiveness from a major offense? Feel free to share your experiences or revelations with forgiveness with me!