PART 2: Response to "Singleness and Handling A Trivial Pursuit"

Greetings lovelies!

In case you missed it, this is the 2nd half of a two-part post responding to THIS ARTICLE.

 Take a moment to read the article and the first half of the post PART 1...

All caught up? Okay, great!

This article and the last post are basically about responding to trivial romantic pursuits as Christian women...and how to identify the Godly ones.

Coming Correct

As evident in the last post, clearly, I've experienced involvements that lacked genuine pursuit, intention, or integrity. One of the ways this article blessed me was helping me to realize what the presence of pursuit, intention, and integrity looks like once some one gets to likin' lil ol' me.

The gentleman pursuing me meets most...okay, probably all of the criteria highlighted in the article (at this point):

• HE LOVES JESUS, is full of the Holy Spirit, and honoring God is his focus
• He prays consistently
• He serves God; in everyday life and in his church, faithfully
• He's accountable to his leadership
• "Did he declare his intent decisively, treating you in a way that values your time and attention above his?" YES
• "Is he leading in the relationship? Is he checking on you, checking in with you? Is he setting goals, setting boundaries, and continuing to express that intent?" YES
• Is he a man who "wants to gain your trust through appropriate, Godward affirmation and honesty, not empty romantic blather."? Is he a man who "wants to be accountable to his circle and to yours, and one who puts your well-being and comfort above his own."? YES & YES
• Is he a man who "in its place, knows how to show a sweet emotional attachment? It’s a risk for him to put himself out there, but one he should be willing to take." YES

Yes, thus far he has been consistent. Yet I have come to realize my walls are much higher than I knew, and it took someone genuinely trying to scale them for me to realize it. I realize the damage from trivial pursuits, selfish manipulation, abuse, and emotional mishandling in the past is deeper than I knew. I am used to flowery words enthusiastically declared with no follow through. I'm used to being told what I wanted to hear so men could get what they wanted. Now, the delicate balance between shielding my heart in wisdom and functioning in fear is a hard thing to manage. I think I clumsily walk the line.

I seek God's direction and approval with earnest, and I think reading this article, along with being prayerful, helped me to realize that maybe I can loosen the clamp on my heart a tad. Safety is in Christ, not an overly calloused heart. Vulnerability cannot be avoided if authenticity is the goal, and something substantial is the desired outcome. I must trust that it isn't all about me having control, but learning to submit to the Holy One who does. And trusting that if I ensure that my heart is truly hidden in Christ, he will go through Him to get it. After all, it's not only my heart on the line, but his heart, too...every time he extends himself to protect mine. I have to respect that he's putting himself out there.

Ideally, the next person I'm with will be the last. However, if by some chance that happens to not be the case, I can trust that this will be a purposeful and edifying exchange because we're both sincerely submitted to the same God, and have identical intentions. And we are committed to cultivating a friendship, not rushing to an altar. So, while I am still going to exercise patience, maturity, and wisdom...accepting the peace of Christ in the midst of this means being anxious for nothing. 

"Perfection is not an option, and men are infamous for their lack of communication. However, is he trying? Because a man who will try is a man I can marry. A man who is paralyzed by the fear of failure or throws up his hands at the first sign of difficulty? He should probably keep it moving. "

I pray you are blessed and learn to guard your heart from foolishness, while keeping it open enough for God's blessing to find you.

Love, Compassion, Royalty

Queen G

What are your thoughts? Respond in the comments below!

PART 1: Response to "Singleness and Handling A Trivial Pursuit"

Greetings lovelies! 

This post is PART 1 of a two part post responding to an article called 

"Singleness and Handling a Trivial Pursuit"

A very good friend and sister of mine, Brittany, sent me this article:

http://www.raanetwork.org/trivial-pursuit/

And BOY did it bless me. Take a moment to read it (it's worth your time) and then come back and read this post...

LOVED.

THIS.

ARTICLE.

This article is basically about responding to trivial romantic pursuits as Christian women...and how to identify the Godly ones.

It's relevant whether you are a young woman or a young man, whether you are single like a dollar bill, or dating, or "friend-zoned", or not so sure what you are. I found myself wishing I read this article months, even years ago. It reiterated things I learned through the teaching of the Holy Ghost, through wise mentors, and not surprisingly, things I learned the hard way. It also gave me a new perspective on other things. Most importantly, it was the type of confirmation that God knew I needed for the my current season.

Do you even like me?: 
Futile Attraction Vs. Intentional Pursuit

Many times I have found myself haphazardly pursued (if we can even call it that) and I became pendulum-like in the process; constantly swinging on the hinges of uncertainty in the grey area of the unknown. Sometimes I didn't know if the young man liked me. Sometimes, his actions implied he did, but his words did not explicitly say so. In other cases, his words stated he did...but his actions did not. I was left without boundaries and with my emotions uncovered by the lad I was involved with. I was tired of guessing. I was tired of the anxiety doubt brought.  I didn't realize how much these interactions fed my phobia of vulnerability, and added to my growing list of men who did not protect me. Not to mention, being that unsure can lure distraction into your thoughts by pushing you to focus more on a guessing game than seeking God's face.

I realized that true pursuit is never half-done. And that the first act a man does to cover you is to trump his own fear of rejection by placing your emotional well being above his...and providing a safe space for your heart by giving you absolutely no room for doubt about his intentions. Just as Christ purposefully pursued us. We can confidently proclaim His love for us because His actions towards us boldly expressed it and He constantly affirms it.

"Christ didn’t pursue his Bride detachedly, opting for non-committal ease. He gave all to ransom her, humbling himself in boundless devotion. And as young (but getting older) women who are the recipients of this kind of love from the Son of God, we should be looking for men who, having received that same kind of love, are ready to give it. Anything less is futile. "

Naively, I thought knowing whether or not he was attracted to me made the difference.

 NOPE!

See, people can be attracted to you or to things about you AND NOT WANT TO PURSUE YOU (or be mature enough to do so). Thus, it didn't really matter if he thought he kinda liked me. If he wasn't going to pursue me for real, I could not hold my breath. Period. Our generation gets too comfortable in the ambiguous and in-between.

The commitment to un-commitment is too high an emotional investment and far too commonplace. 

Also, I learned that it's okay to ask (again, if I don't know the parameter of our involvement, how can I feel safe emotionally?). It is also okay (in fact, in your best interest) to pull away if he is not clear about what he wants. 

"...This is counterintuitive for a lot of us. I hate to think of asking a guy a question that’s going to fluster him. That doesn’t mean I won’t do it, though. Our time as women should be spent investing full-heartedly in every relationship in our lives; this becomes a lot easier when relationships are clearly defined. There is no gray haze of potential necessary: all of your single male friends have the potential to become something more, but until that potential is expressed, give them all equal dosages of your time."

I was guilty of giving out my time to men who asked for it, but didn't honor it. I never wanted to put more energy into our interactions than he did because I didn't know if the nature of his motives were platonic or romantic. I was incarcerated by the vagueness of it all, trapped by confusion. I would spend agonizing hours wondering and analyzing...all energy that could have been preserved by asking a simple question.

 To be clear, a man saying a friendly "hello" doesn't incite this type of conversation. But  if he is asking for a certain amount of my time, through conversation or other wise, it is my right to know whether or not my time should be invested. No matter how intimidating the process of finding that out is. My time, attention, and especially heart, are of high value.  They should be of high value to him because they are of High value to God. We have to make decisions based on that fact.

Most importantly, make sure you are committed and submitted to Christ. Be led by the spirit and not by your emotions...feelings are fickle.  I'm not imploring you to become hard-hearted, but I am encouraging us young women to seek Godly character in suitors and cultivate biblical standards for any one interested in taking up space in our lives and in our hearts. If he is serious about you...you wouldn't have to wonder. So please don't lower your expectations; respect mature men enough to allow them to rise to the occasion. The immature may walk away, but the real men will thank you for it. Invite them to appreciate you, not take advantage of your availability.  I'm also encouraging young men to become like our Savior and take the lead, to walk in integrity, and fulfill their God-given position. Your worth is priceless. And the right person will cherish that. 

At my church, New Life COOLJC, this is the "Year of Pleasing the Lord". And I'm pretty sure these unhealthy patterns are not pleasing or edifying. So, let's leave that in 2013. The best way to gain an understanding of pursuit, is to pursue the heart of God.

I pray you are blessed and learn to guard your heart from foolishness, while keeping it open enough for God's blessing to find you.

Love, Compassion, Royalty

Queen G

What are your thoughts? Respond in the comments below! and click the link for PART 2!

CHECKLIST: A Girl Named Penny (Freewrite)

I wrote this last year

A freewrite which was a response to an exchange I had with God.

Clothes, check

face, check

full stove, baked goods

shoe game, hair tamed

prays like Hannah and

submits like Ruth and 

honors like Esther and

serves like Dorcas and

available like Mary, 

yes marry...who me?

but

what’s your name? you forget you say?

back to the list

Degree? yes, check

knows how to budget and balance a check

book, reads books

wait, heart check?

skip

I said heart check?

skip

sounds like an out of sync palpitation but

if your talent is loud enough, most won’t hear it

Pretty face on a good day

does it make up for her weight,

wait

pretty words can cover that up

cover girl, smile big

not big on make up 

but made up of 90%

mascara

she says masks scare her

scarred, is she

Is she beautiful? 

What’s her name? you forgot you say?

A Penny for your thoughts, honey

just enough to compensate

So God says to her

Aren’t you tired of trying to defend your definition of value to those clearly illiterate in beauty

I can’t leave you where you are

Aren’t you tired of trying to fit a triangle into a square?

putting boys on thrones when some are spiritual babes still needing their high chairs

You haven’t had a child yet so why are you so content wiping milk off lips?

Potential alone aint never turned a crush into a covenant

hand on the bible, but eyes still seeking coke bottles 

a brother don’t mean to hurt or bother nobody but while his body is in church he still notices the bodies, 

but doesn’t everybody, I mean who doesn’t want a bride with a body

anybody, but not just anybody

more stuck on the shape than her submission to the Head of the body

If you don’t have no body

you are nobody

basic temple geometry

but please, sister anointed lips, could you pray for me?

God spoke to her today and said

I see your knuckles grasped around what you think is your self worth, girl

looks gold on the outside but beneath your grip I see the brass

So let’s trade

Can I have it?

All is not almost 

All is not most

Will you trust me?

you always say that I make beautiful things out of the dust

your heart is tear soaked mud

may I have it, please?

Clay

You fear not the fire

only that once the flames finish, you still won’t be polished

You keep pieces of it because you wonder who would want the Penny

in a world where even dimes are not enough

so when you’ve presented what you think is your best self

good things gift wrapped, you discard the rest

because who would want a Penny when you handed them a hundred dollar bill

do you realize the grevity of telling me “keep the change”?

I am the change, I can’t withhold myself

I can’t let you stay the same

I am not a cashier

you are not a cash exchange

not a grocery list where your best attributes are divided up next to check boxes

this is not a barter for your best parts

I am not looking to buy you on sale

This blood was full price

even one single cent isn’t useless to me

one, single

sent

you are to be used just for me

I 

am not the Adam who left you uncovered

nor his sons who emotionally do the same

I am the Christ whose crimson covered you 

You ask to touch the hem of my garment

But let me sew the hem of your heart

I 

am tailor, and artist, and

I can mold masterpieces out of a mite, too

Might you

Give me all of you?

I can’t leave you

where you

are, you 

tired, yet

of trying to fit a triangle into a square?

I am maker of shapes, and I know where you fit

Not based on how your clothes fit

but custom made for a robe of righteousness

you are not a “she has everything, but”

you will not be worthy, when

you, you are everything I want

Now,

discard your checklist

Penny isn’t your name, Queen

~love, compassion, royalty~

"Nothing"...A Prayer/Freewrite

HELLO LOVES
I was in prayer at bible study, and prayed utter submission. I told God I wanted Him to utterly take over me, and do exactly what He wanted with me, in me, and through. I then envisioned what it would be like to be completely malleable to God.  I saw myself as this shapeless matter, then as this formless mound of clay. And this is what came out during prayer, and it is the sincerest desire and declaration of my heart.

Nothing (Clay)

A freewrite

10/16/13

I am formless except for Your hand
I am shapeless except for Your fingers
I am empty mass except for Your spirit
I float lest You anchor me
Here, am I, am clay
Am shapeless, formless matter
am indistinguishable and indiscernible
except for Your breath
and warmth of Your palms
I drown lest You lift me
I decay lest You preserve me
I am colorless
but just the right shade of transparent
for Light to shine through
I am flavorless
vague and in distinctive
Contemplating how nothing can chemically cook into sodium chloride
I am scratch
I am start
with me and end in You
begin with nothing
and end in Everything
complete: I am the antonym and You are the answer
I am anonymous lest You name me
An archaeological dig of sorts
An expedition only begetting dirt
Undiscovered lest You excavate
and give meaning to my dust
An Adam Atom
I am both dead air and dead weight
Both Weightless and heavy
Both sinking and rising
Most nothing
Lest You undo and redo me
Mold and renew me
Make me
Something
Here, am I, am clay
I hear You are Master Creator
Cultivating beauty out of vastness
Thou despisest pride
And there is nothing more humble than a clean slate
Except an empty one
I
Am shapeless, formless matter
am indistinguishable and indiscernible
except for Your breath
and warmth of Your palms
I am zero
You are infinity
and becoming Yours is the catalyst of my existence
I become, in You
I am insignificant matter
an insignificant matter
until I mattered to You
I am the darkness on the face of the deep
and you are are the whisper
hear
When I say I give you absolutely nothing
here
I am laying all I am at your feet
I am nothing, now
But I will be evidence
of He who makes something
out of Nothing
Here, am I, am clay




love, compassion, royalty
Queen

GREAT VIDEO: Dating, Ministry, and Advice!

I thought this was an excellent video, filled with wisdom. I just really wanted to share! Be blessed!

LOVE, COMPASSION, ROYALTY

QUEEN G

Good Morning, Fallible (Freewrite)

I wake up desiring to live intentionally

sometimes forgetting I already have the capacity to

that goals are different than wishes

and potential will cuddle with your dreams

but it don’t keep you warm at night

I wake up desiring to be phenomenal

but 15 minutes of sleep and a dose of mediocrity

taste so tempting on insecure lips

it is morphine for the intimidated soul

I got

missed calls from failure inquiring if I’m drunk yet

because I have one billion reasons to remind myself

of geographical lapses in perfection

ditches in my landscape

cavities of mistakes that feign depth

and a landmine for a heartbeat

living here is dangerous

Loving me is life or death

I wonder

If the epic in me is just a daydream

or if she just cowers wearily

in a hidden corner of my being

cause she aint

seen daylight

in a while

I must remind myself

must remind myself

That I am fallible

and I must love me anyway

I wonder constantly if I am amazing only in abstract

but not functionally tangible

I don't want to be touched only in theory

I fear

I am the equivalent of a child’s fairytale book

lost in the projects of Providence

Beautiful on paper, but no match for concrete

like a gust of wind to fairy dust

when the darkness of reality hits

There are seasons where I feel like

I only value myself by accident

traipsing into confidence on happenstance

tragedy

is when the love you release

says return to sender

and you don’t know where to put it

tragedy

is loving others for exactly who they are

but feeling like affection is a foreign language

when you speak kind words to yourself

Google translate doesn't work for that. 

I tried.

My self esteem is starting to look like blurred vision

feel like static

sing like white noise

sing 

like white noise

is my voice just a collision of sound waves clashing

waves crashing

drowning

in an ocean that I taught others to swim in

My holiness has holes in it some days

I pray

my purpose doesn’t leak through

I fear

I am a grand perception and a good idea

that sounds great on paper

but may never live

Maybe I am Angelou’s unwritten poem

Maybe I am the ink that stained Langston’s

fingers

but never

his paper

I must remind myself

God loves me on purpose

must remind myself

That I am fallible

and I must love me anyway

Challenge Accepted.

Unity in Diversity: Overcoming Insecurity as a Writer

I got a heartwarming email from an amazingly talented writer and friend in South Africa, Ashleigh Davids. It was encouraging, uplifting, and inspiring. I hope you are as motivated as I was after reading it.

It reads as follows:

Dear friend,

You may not share my battle and this may not be new revelation to you. That's fine. But perhaps this will serve as a reminder or encourage you or someone that YOU know who shares our common gift.

I was reading a blog by my friend, Gabrielle Gibson today. http://qu3eng.blogspot.co.uk/2013/08/broken-english.html

Her piece on Broken English (which I'm sure you'll love) is so beautiful. I found myself fist pumping and letting out OOHS and AAHS while reading it and later sharing it on my social media pages.

As a friend, I was proud and impressed by her- and as a writer, I was madly excited and inspired to do better.

Prior to that, I was also listening to a spoken word piece by Itohan Osaigbovo - which touched on a topic that had my thoughts reeling and coaxed me into challenging myself as an individual after God's heart.

I'm sure you have had a similar experience.

Often, the people around us will inspire us with the gift and purpose they have been blessed with, whether it be through their creativity, skill, natural talent, wisdom, knowledge or execution and other spiritual attributes and fruits. Can you believe God's creation??? My mind is blown sometimes. He's amazing!

Unfortunately, more than or instead of praising God for His goodness and the pouring out of His spirit on creation which allows all this splendour to spring forth or simply enjoying and learning from the people around us - we covet what others have or feel insecure about we have and do not have.

I have been guilty of this. I know my skill, my talent, my gift and my purpose - I know my God. Still, I have made comparisons, and felt inferior because certain criteria made it seem like someone else was a better writer and servant than I am or ever will be.

I'm sure you can identify a handful of people in your life who are incredibly good at what they do (writing). And if you line them up in your mind, I can also assure you that none of them are identical but that each one is set apart for His good works.

Dying to my insecurities is a daily action. And part of doing so is acknowledging that I have held envy, low-self esteem, a warped sense of giftings and what I am able to do in this life at my bosom. I have nursed these babes and enabled them, feeding their growth and development in my life. Part of breaking this cycle, is celebrating you and sharing my story, and perhaps encouraging you to do the same for yourself or someone else.

Whether you  battle fears that you are not enough of a theologian, comedian,  scholar of literature and academic genius,  an expert on Christian rhetoric or an entertainer who bears the mark of a skilled artisan or simply feel  like you are not doing God or your faith justice - God sees you, and I have compassion for your journey.

I am reminded today that there are diversities of gifts, but the same Spirit, differences in ministries but the same Lord, diversities in activities, but the same God who works in all. The manifestation of the Spirit has been given to each one of us for the profit of all. The 12th Chapter of 1 Corinthians speaks about this unity in diversity. At some point we were all Gentiles, carried away to the dumb idols (insecurities) we served, however we were led. And by the grace of God, we can be delivered from that ignorance. God has set us, members of the body, just as He pleased.

If you're troubled by comparisons, be encouraged.

'If the whole body were an eye, where would be the hearing? If the whole were hearing, where would be the smelling?' 1 Corinthians12:17

'And if they were all one member, where would the body be?' 1 Corinthians 12:19

If you've been liberated from this - HALLELUJAH! If you're healing, PRAISE GOD! If you haven't had this issue, THANK JESUS, and if you are stronger in this area, pray for and assist the weak. If you're starting your journey, the Lord is at hand and mighty to save.

I would think God promotes diversity, let us celebrate it too.

I thank God for your gift, and pray that the greatest of all gifts, being the Love which is God - will continue to make room for you.


Have a wonderful day!

Regards

INFO ABOUT ASHLEIGH:

Ashleigh Davids (21) is located in Cape Town, South Africa. As a writer and storyteller, she hopes to write what He likes, as aptly stated in the tag line of her personal blog, www.ashleighdavids.com. Her journey is full of pot holes, and experience has proven that short cuts don't work out that well. She's chosen the scenic route - life with a God who never fails. Flat tires are not rare, and we all know that gas does not come cheaply. She hopes to always possess enough to give to others and her road trip is accompanied by floetry, teaching and an interest in editorial work for magazines. 

She's terribly gifted with a heart after God's. Make sure you check out her blog!

Broken English

The following is a freewrite that started as a status:

In discussing whether or not I should use "who's" or "whose" with a friend, I was reminded that English is one of the most difficult languages to exist. Many people have the tendency to think other languages are hard because for many of us, English was our first language, or a language spoken growing up. 

 The reality is that the pronunciations, spelling, and grammatical rules are complex and inconsistent. In 23 years of learning English, I still feel like we're just acquaintances some days. I don't know her as well as I thought I did.

English sometimes feels like a verbal triathalon. It sometimes feels like warmth has to crawl on it's belly through a Sahara of syntax to make it's presence known. It sometimes feels like a ton is attached to the tongue, and communication sounds heavy. Try talking when your tongue has become an anchor. 

Imagine adjusting from the floating fluidity of Italian, or sweet serenade of Zulu, or the dynamic dance of Spanish to the complicated confines of English. It's like telling a dancer she works best at a desk. It's easy to make French sound beautiful and romantic, each syllable is a love story. 

It takes extra effort to make English sound less than computerized and mechanic, 

especially in a society where we try to access love through computers

where we treat people like machines, and emotions like disease, 

where nuance has become a nuisance and intimacy is obsolete.

This is why it is considered a foreign language...it is just as distant poetically as it is geographically.

This is why we love accents.

 They melt the edges off the ice that come with English. They make it warm enough to forget the cold, but not hot enough to change it. Make us forget it's hardened tones before we remember that an accent is simply a heated blanket, and our language still has the bite of winter.

When you grow up loving in another language, she loves you back openly, invitingly, completely. You hear her sprinting through sound waves to touch you. She has cultivated culture in the cadence of hello, and makes greetings sound like romance.

But English is like a hardened woman. English keeps rigid barriers around her heart and you have to work with sweat on brow, back breaking effort to make her stoic face smile, and even then you wonder if it is real. English has been abused, and she sometimes feels cliche. Familiar, but empty. Most give up on her, defeated by her difficulty. People don't like when their words sound like kissing steel, so they settle for a diluted version of her. English won't embrace you like Creole will. She may not even be able to love you back being broken the way she's been. But you still try.

This is one of the reasons why I have such admiration for people who speak multiple languages fluently, or people who did not speak English natively and learned in adulthood. The free flying color that dripped from lips now sounds like black and white ink. Sometimes feels like a monochromatic heartbeat trying to sound like a rainbow again. 

But this is also why I love poets. They make paintings out of water and use their hearts to add color. They mold audible masterpieces out of linguistic concrete. They make English sound like a sunset mid August, where sand kisses ocean and we feel as infinite as she, both of us bodies of water. 

Thank you for the challenge, God. Of being born word lover in New York instead of Venice, or Johannesburg, or Brazil. I know all I have in my arsenal are a pen and a voice box, but I don't mind working a little harder to make Monday sentences sound like sonnets on a Sunday morning. I don't mind finding ten thousand ways to say I love you in a language that only has one word for love.

 I don't mind loving a broken woman.